Is my child being ‘neurodivergent’ or ‘naughty’? Can behaviour be separated into two categories: willful or involuntary? The narrative around this idea elicits the idea that willful behaviour needs to be punished. Conversely, involuntary behaviour may be frustrating, but maybe we can extend some understanding since they can’t control it? Let’s argue that the difference highlighted in this narrative is unhelpful. That even if your child is deliberately plotting, there is a reason. Even if they have given you ample reason to believe nothing about this behaviour is involuntary, there is still a reason.
If we can shift the lens by which we view behaviour as voluntary vs. involuntary behaviour, then we can shift the way we intervene. No longer is it a question of whether your child is being naughty vs whether they are neurodivergent, but rather it becomes a discussion around the WHY. Why is the behaviour occurring? And if we can discuss the ‘why’ behind a behaviour occurring then we can approach the intervention differently.
There are a number of reasons why a behaviour that seems intentional might be happening. Children may have difficulty accessing coping skills, maybe they haven’t been explicitly taught a coping skill. They may feel they have a limited support system, or have challenges with executive functioning. They may be experiencing bullying, or feel overwhelmed by their sensory and/ or social environment. They may feel stress in relationships, be experiencing insufficient sleep or access to routine and consistency. The list is endless. When you look at this list, it becomes clear that these may be the same reasons why an involuntary behaviour may also occur. It starts to become murky when trying to differentiate between voluntary and involuntary behaviours.
When we focus on whether the behaviour is ‘naughty’, we start to miss the point. As parents it is important to remember that every behaviour is communication. Every behaviour is a means by which our children are attempting to tell us something. It is our role as parents to figure out the ‘why’ of the behaviour rather than spend our time trying to decipher if our child is being naughty. This does not mean we ‘let our child get away with it’ or ‘use gentle parenting as an excuse to create a soft generation’. It means that once we have discovered the ‘why’ it is then and only then that we can finally effectively intervene. We know that kids do well when they can, and we know if they are not doing well there is a barrier. So, let’s start at the barrier and figure out the why. The following iceberg images highlight the possible “why’s” of a behaviour (below the surface) in comparison to what we overtly see (above the surface).
The developmental trajectory of skill building for children under the age of 18 highlights that they are “just” building up skills that teach them to be adaptive members of society. There are things that we can do as we parent to intervene and support skill building. By doing this we can work to intervene before the emergence of a behaviour because we are setting up an environment that allows our child to be successful and works to temper frustration and challenges before they happen. We can support our children in acknowledging that their emotions are adaptive, even protective. That ALL emotions have a place and that they are ALL okay to feel and experience. This sometimes gets conflated with the argument that all behaviours are okay. Every context will necessarily have its boundaries with behaviours. Behaviours are not emotions, but they are the manifestation of emotions.
To help make this connection, that all emotions are okay and neutral, and all behaviours are not, there are three things we can do to help our children.
1. Validate emotions: “Hey, it looks like anxiety is running the show right now! Phew! That’s a lot to carry!”
2. Empathise: “I’ve been there too, it doesn’t feel so great, does it?”
3. Offer a skill and a boundary: “you can feel anxious and angry, AND you cannot hit me. You can hit the punching bag or go for a walk. I’ll be here when you need me. “
This teaches our kids that the feeling inside them that is physically oozing out is not to be feared, and that it can be harnessed. They do not have to fight it, but they can release it. It teaches them that they are not alone.
We know that our children are born with their full faculty of emotions and NONE of the skills necessary to regulate them. Even under the best circumstance these take time and commitment to build. Even more so for neurodivergent children who need more support and care compared to their neurotypical counterparts. Our children will never outgrow their emotions. Teaching them how to manage them, rather than how to suppress them, can make the difference in their mental health as adults. As parents we can change the lens by which we view behaviours and thus target the why of a behaviour thus shifting our interventions to support emotion regulation and scaffold learning for the skill deficits that we have yet to acknowledge (existing just below the surface of the iceberg). What has piled up below the surface to induce this behaviour in the child in front of us.
Next time you encounter challenging behaviour, let yourself take a second to consider what might be under the iceberg. Not only will this be a more compassionate approach, but it will also likely be much more effective at reaching the root of the issue.
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.