A quick google search about kindness in children will reveal all sorts of excellent strategies and activities for encouraging kindness. Reading books about kindness, modeling it in your family, and talking about it with your kids – all great things to implement in your household. In this article, however, I want to go one step further. I will discuss how to balance encouraging kindness in children with a developmentally sensitive lens and how to avoid people pleasing as opposed to kindness.
As I write this, my family is navigating life with a toddler (she’s about two plus). And let me tell you, kindness is not the first word that comes to mind during this stage. She regularly snatches toys, refuses to share, and screams “no way” when we ask her to do something. I’ve also taken enough child development classes to know this is all completely normal and is not her refusing to be kind (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2022). Her ability for empathy is still forming and it’s hard for her to see beyond her own needs and desires.
A developmentally sensitive approach avoids punishing or verbal reprimand for what is developmentally appropriate behavior. However, it is rife with opportunities for learning. If your two-year-old, like mine, snatches a toy and the other child begins crying, you can calmly say “Your friend is crying. She’s sad that you took her toy. Can you please give it back?” Now, if your child is anything like mine, they are likely to respond with a “no way” and run away before their precious toy is snatched back. That’s ok. You’ve offered a learning opportunity to build empathetic awareness.
While I don’t have the word count (and you probably don’t have the desire) to read about a developmentally sensitive approach at all stages, you can do some research on your own about what is developmentally expected at your child’s age. The APP website below is a great place to start. Now I’d like to move to my next deep dive into kindness in children. The difference between kindness and people pleasing.
When I was brainstorming for this article (which oddly looks a lot like walking aimlessly around my neighborhood…but I digress…), I was wondering about the times kindness goes too far. Is that even possible, I wondered? And given that when I typed into google “kindness versus” … “people pleasing” was the first phrase to auto fill in the gap, I was obviously not the first to think of this.
People pleasing, according to Gill Hasson (2018) is often in search of validation or an external search for one’s own self worth. Kindness on the other hand, according to Hasson (2018), is not at all about putting someone else’s needs above your own; but about “considering and connecting with others…to help them feel that they belong and are appreciated” (p. 18-19). As a mental health professional, this distinction, and this approach to kindness is one I can whole-heartedly support, and one that I think is important to teach our children.
One way to help ensure that kindness doesn’t become people pleasing is to help children grow in their kindness towards themselves. Malti (2021) describes self-caring behaviors as the ability to be gentle with oneself, have compassion for one’s limits, and appreciation for one’s unique qualities. Caregivers can model this in their own behavior and in how they speak about themselves out loud when kids are present. Children are quick to internalize the voice of caregivers – both the words directed at them and those said in their presence. Help that voice to be a kind one.
So yes, please buy books about kindness, treat others with kindness when your children are around (and when they aren’t), and talk about how your family values kindness. Take a developmentally sensitive approach when considering your child’s behavior. Give a bit a thought to what kindness versus people pleasing might look like for you and the kids in your life. And, perhaps most importantly, be kind to yourself and encourage your children to do the same.
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References:
American Academy of Pediatrics. (2022). Social Development: 2 Year Olds. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/toddler/Pages/social-development-2-year-olds.aspx
Gill Hasson. (2018). Kindness: Change Your Life and Make the World a Better Place. Capstone, 1st Ed.
Malti, T. (2020). Kindness: a perspective from developmental psychology. European Journal of Developmental Psychology, 18(5), 629–657. https://doi.org/10.1080/17405629.2020.1837617