Divorce rates in Western countries have fluctuated over the years. The latest data available from the UK up until 2022, shows us that around 42% of marriages end in divorce (Office for National Statistics , 2022). Whereas in Singapore, the stats are generally lower, around 25% (The Singapore Department of Statistics, June 2024).
There are of course many factors involved when it comes to deciding to divorce, some of the main ones are adultery, marrying too young, domestic violence, a lack of intimacy, loneliness and a lack of emotional connection (which can often culminate in an affair), on going communication breakdown and arguing, financial issues and differences in how you parent your children.
The bottom line is that when things start to decline in a relationship, it’s a good idea to start to address the issues early before they start to build up and become insurmountable, ie when strong emotions such as anger, resentment, loneliness or regret start to build and become deep rooted. It can be very hard to come back from this position when it’s been the status quo for several years and you find yourselves quite stuck and overwhelmed. Whatever stage you are at, whether you are at the the beginning of a new and exciting relationship but are keen not to mess things up from past experience or you are decades into a marriage and finding yourself unhappy and unfulfilled, couples counselling can open many doors to a better, more rewarding life when it comes to your closest relationship.
Couples Counselling can really help people to improve their communication by teaching them how to practise active listening. This means fully concentrating on what the other person is saying without planning a response while they speak. To be able to reflect back what you have heard and in some way validate what the other person is saying can also help to deepen your understanding, note that validating the other person’s point of view does not mean that you necessarily agree with them but you have an understanding of their perspective which is key in any couple’s dispute. Instead of jumping into criticism or contempt (the downfalls in any argument) they can use “I” statements instead of “you” statements, Saying “I feel hurt when ….” rather than “You always make me feel…” can help to reduce defensiveness and promote better understanding of one another. The couple can learn to set aside appropriate time for talking about their feelings and their issues so they are better prepared and can focus on the discussion. In couples work, with a qualified professional present, couples are inclined to be calmer and more respectful towards each other when talking about difficult topics, breaks are also encouraged if one or both partners biomes flooded and needs time to recover and self regulate. Learning to be empathetic towards one another is a skill and can be practised within the sessions and outside, to foster greater understanding and compassion so conflicts can be resolved with greater ease. The counsellor can also remind the couple that nonverbal communication is just as important, that body language, facial expression, tone and eye contact play a significant part in our communication and can really deepen our connection and understanding of our partner if used in the correct way.
When couples first start the therapy sessions, they often struggle with expressing their needs, some individuals may not even know what their needs are within the relationship. The therapist will work closely with each individual to encourage them to notice, name and process their feelings so they can understand themselves better and discover for themselves the missing links in their lives that are leaving them so unhappy, unfulfilled and disconnected. By connecting the dots, people can learn to ask for what they need, empower themselves to make better choices and ultimately increase their life satisfaction and their relationships. This can take time and requires patience, it’s not a quick fix. We can argue that anything in life that we want to be sustainable requires commitment and consistency – this applies to all areas of our well being, both physical and mental.
By expressing feelings and needs honestly to one another, couples can start to rebuild trust. This always involves learning (by practising) to discuss the issues that led to the breakdown of trust. Each partner must practise active listening so they understand the other person’s point of view and perspective without interrupting or becoming defensive. Recognising and validating the pain caused by breaches of trust is crucial and each partner should acknowledge the impact of their actions on their partner.
Working on establishing clear boundaries can help each partner feel safe, respected and secure. This may often entail talking about what kind of behaviours are acceptable and what are not. Both partners need to commit to change and follow through on their promises. Working towards forgiveness is key, this doesn’t mean forgetting the past mistakes or differences but rather letting go of the hold it has on the relationship. Research has shown that couples that dialogue often about their relationship whether it be problems, disagreements, hurt, perceived mistakes have a greater chance of relationship success and longevity than couples that choose to ignore their issues.
A goal for the therapist is to create a safe space for the couple so they can express their feelings and their needs without being criticised and belittled. A place that is secure, confidential and respectful and encourages emotional vulnerability without fear of being dismissed or ridiculed. The counsellor will establish firm boundaries within the room so discussions remain constructive and harmful behaviours such as yelling or name-calling, are not tolerated.
Difficult topics where the couple are grid locked and unable to agree or see a different perspective are discussed usually over a few sessions but not early on in the counselling process as pacing is very important. Individuals may be very emotionally charged over certain topics and have built up a lot of resentment and frustration over years of being unable to dialogue about their discontentment so it’s important to take things slowly. Dialoguing about more minor disagreements or niggles in the initial stages of therapy can ease the couple into talking more freely and openly about topics without getting flooded with overwhelming emotions. It shows them that conflict resolution is possible and they can be braver with what they choose to tackle next.
Many couples who have experienced relationship breakdown in whatever shape or form, have usually neglected their relationship goals or plans for the future. Discussing shared hopes and dreams for the future can help a couple reconnect and get them both in touch with what is important and allow them to explore their shared values. These values based objectives need to be discussed, agreed upon and prioritised so the couple can concentrate their energies on what really matters in the relationship. It’s important for these goals to be attainable so small steps are encouraged in the beginning so positive momentum can be built. An action plan can be created whereby each partner has steps that they need to take in order to achieve their goals e.g. arranging date nights, taking turns to manage the children, practising active listening techniques or attending workshops. It is important to note that relationships evolve all the time, so goals may need to be modified accordingly. A regular weekly review in the short term can be advised to make sure the couple stays on track.
The counsellor will work closely with the couple to make sure that both of their needs are getting met, their values are being honoured and they have an action plan in place that will help both parties to remain mutually accountable for the success of the relationship. As the old saying goes “it takes two to tango”.
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.