In my counselling work, I often support men who are struggling with partner violence, albeit physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional, and who find it incredibly hard to come forward and seek help. In celebration of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I would like to highlight this often overlooked and still under-researched area and, in doing so, celebrate the brave men who have managed to speak up despite the utter embarrassment that often accompanies such disclosures.
Growing up in Cuba, I was exposed from a very young age to the world of soap operas. While violence against women was already strongly condemned in 1980s Havana, I remember that a common scene in Latin-American soaps was that of an extremely upset woman slapping a man who would generally not react to the physical attack. My take as a child was that this violent act was perceived differently if the perpetrator was a woman and the victim was a man than vice versa. Interestingly, a 2017 Italian article found that men who took responsibility for their female partner’s abusive acts and did not react, saw it as a demonstration of good partnership and a way to uphold what it meant to be a man (1).
In writing this, I am aware of the risk of accidentally perpetuating some of the detrimental Latin female stereotypes around, and this is not my intention. Violence against men exists all over the world and women are often seen slapping men – without public backlash – in many TV series and movies from around the world. The latest example I have seen was in the new Alien Romulus.
This leaves me wondering how popular culture might have shaped what men think their attitude should be in response to partner violence. Also, what do we, as a society, consider is a violent and abusive act when the victim is a man? Do we accidentally sometimes trivialise and even normalise partner violence against men?
Intimate partner violence is often seen as an issue disproportionately affecting cisgender heterosexual women in relationships with men (2). Therefore, limited studies have focused on partner violence against men (3). Even less attention has been given to the variation in experience between men and, for example, among gender and sexual minority men (4).
The ManKind Initiative found that 14.1% of men have experienced some form of domestic abuse and that 1 out of every 3 victims of partner abuse are men (5). Given the shame often experienced by men who are experiencing partner violence, and the social constructs around gender roles, ideas of masculinity and help-seeking attitudes among men, it is likely that the current statistics gravely underreport the issue.
And yet, partner violence can have some serious psychological effects, including:
- Symptoms of PTSD
- Depressive symptoms
- Anxiety
- Hopelessness, helplessness and suicidal ideation
- Substance use (as a means of coping with the violence)
While talking to a therapist can be empowering, it is often resisted. Some of my male clients talk about the embarrassment they feel as they tell me their stories. They wonder if I will judge them as they try desperately to hide their tears. Even thinking of themselves as ‘victims’ can leave men feeling emasculated and confused. Men clients sometimes ask me: shouldn’t I just take it? What does it say about me that I am so broken by this?
And here is the thing: therapists appreciate the courage and effort it takes to break cycles of violence, regardless of who the perpetrator or the survivor is, and regardless of how long it takes. The therapeutic journey is one of empowerment, of taking back control, of remembering the person you were before the abuse started and reconnecting with the strength that often lies dormant – but which is very much there – and learning that you can survive the abuse and thrive in spite of it. When it comes to partner violence, change starts with a thought: I deserve better.
If you or anyone you know is struggling with partner violence, here are some resources that could help:
- The need for services for men in Singapore
- Help for Men Who are Being Abused
- Intimate partner violence in lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, intersex and queer communities
- Supporting LGBTQ victims and survivors of domestic violence and abuse through awareness, education and breaking down barriers to accessing help.
- Male victims of domestic abuse and partner abuse: 70 key facts
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.
References
(2) Preventing intimate partner and sexual violence against women: taking action and generating evidence
(3) What About the Men? A Critical Review of Men’s Experiences of Intimate Partner Violence
(4) What About the Men? A Critical Review of Men’s Experiences of Intimate Partner Violence