Working in the mental health field we often work with victims of bullying. While the consequences of persistent coercion, intimidation and abuse is real for this population and can often have devastating long-term consequences, on this World Bullying Day I’d like to take a different perspective and explore what supports and encourages these harmful bullying behaviours and who is responsible for putting an end to them.
I have been a victim of bullying twice in my life, once as a teenager and once as an adult, early in my career. I’d like to share my experiences briefly as there are a few notable things that highlight the roles, not of the victim or bully, but of others involved, either directly or indirectly.
My first experience of bullying was when I was 15. It started during a physical education lesson when the bully began commenting on my performance, comparing it to hers (oh she was sneaky at first, just whispered words as she passed me by, looks and giggles with her group of friends). Now initially this didn’t bother me too much. I was good at sports, competitive, so at first I just wrote this off as her being competitive too. Over time however; it began to wear me down. I didn’t look forward to what used to be my favourite lessons of the week, worried about what she might do or say this time. I was fairly quiet at school, had a small group of friends, but none of my close peers were in this class with me so I did feel vulnerable. Fortunately for me, others had started to see what was happening and made some remarks to me about the cruel behaviour. This was the catalyst that allowed me to call her out. While I was petrified, I also felt emboldened, knowing that I wasn’t alone. She didn’t like it but while she was never a problem again, I never felt at ease around her.
The second occasion was when I was early in my career as a teacher. It began with one of my female colleagues berating me for using things she wanted or accusing me of things I had not done. I noticed quickly that she would only confront me when we were alone but one day as she stood over me, pointing her finger in my face and telling me how low I was in the pecking order, I made the decision to have a conversation with my other coworkers to find out about their interactions with her. What I discovered astounded me. Everyone knew that she was a bully, a few of them had been subjected to it, but it was simply accepted because “that is what she is like”. I decided that if I wanted this to stop, then I was going to have to confront her. The next time she targeted me, I told her not to speak to me like that anymore, I wouldn’t accept that behaviour from her. She didn’t like it, but it never happened again. I’m not saying everything was smooth after that, work was awkward for a while as I couldn’t avoid her. My one regret was not reporting this to my line manager, I am certain I wasn’t the last person she preyed on, however; in retrospect, I believe my line manager must have been aware of her behaviour.
If I am being honest, I feel like I have been lucky. In both instances it was the knowledge that others could see or that I had been able to share what was happening with others that gave me the courage to stand up for myself. Not everyone has that support or ability to speak up. Many people are frightened of the consequences, that they would be worse than the daily putdowns.
Here are some factors that I believe permitted the bullying to persist in my situations:
- The environment – in the first case the bully had her friends around her and I did not. In the second case her behaviour wasn’t challenged by the team, just accepted.
- Resistance to help – my classmates observed bullying behaviours but did not feel empowered to help
- Learned behaviour – when the workplace bully was left unchallenged despite it being common knowledge, this could be interpreted as positive reinforcement that her behaviour was acceptable. The school bully’s behaviour was eventually seen by my peers which leads me to believe it could have been observed by the teacher too but there was no intervention, which could be seen as confirmation that her actions were not inappropriate
- My awareness – for a while I denied what was happening, accepting that the bullies were just being unkind and it would all pass
- Support – I believe the only reason I was able to confront both bullies was that I was told that other people had seen or experienced the bullying behaviours and that I wasn’t simply being overly sensitive
While I know that these are just my experiences, and I have heard and worked with others who have struggled with way more extreme and persistent bullying, one vital piece of my experience was that others saw and acknowledged the threatening behaviours. This leads me to question the power that these observers can have and the critical role they can play in stopping school and workplace bullying.
In one study of school bullying, 57% of episodes ceased within 10 seconds when a bystander spoke up, but they only did so 15-20% of the time.
But what does this mean in reality?
I believe this means that instead of focusing on individual perpetrators and victims which is a more responsive approach, understanding that bullying is a group process and that interventions against it that are preventative, are more effective.
Educating and encouraging people to be upstanders rather than bystanders is critical in reducing incidents. This has its challenges however; bystanders in a group often find themselves in a social dilemma – they usually understand that bullying is wrong, yet taking action to stop it puts their own safety and status at risk. People are frightened of the consequences of intervening, that they themselves would become a target.
When no one challenges the behaviour of a bully, there is a common misconception that this silence is approving of it. The consequence to this is that each individual that disapproves feels alone in their opinion. If these behaviours were discussed openly in supportive environments and the culture was one that heroes kind and respectful behaviour, then the risk of intervening would be far less significant.
To address this it is the responsibility of institutions and individuals to foster an environment of respect and empathy where people feel empowered and supported. Bullying is capable of being prevented substantially by recognizing the importance of creating a holistic, whole school/workplace approach towards behaviour. One that promotes a positive culture where open and honest discussions are the norm, expected behaviours are clear, where connection and wellbeing are fostered and inclusivity and diversity are supported are key.
Everyone has a part to play in this. We can start today by having conversations, sharing stories, discussing our values about how we treat others, discussing our workplace policies on behaviour, asking friends and family about their experiences with bullying or roleplaying with our children about how to intervene in a situation or how to ask for help.
What steps will you take to promote a safer and happier space in your environment today?
- Written by Vicky Harris-Little
Recommended resources:
Podcasts:
- Anti-Bullying 101
- Grogan’s Bully Proof
- Workplace Bullying
Follow:
- jefferson_fisher on Instagram – lots of examples of things such as: how to handle insults; what to say when people put you down; how to respond to aggressive comments etc.
- antibullyingalliance on Instagram – resources, support, tips, advice and uplifting quotes
Websites:
- STOMP Out Bullying
- Kidscape: Help with Bullying
- Empowering Young People to Make Positive Change
- Workplace Bullying Institute
- Safe Work Australia
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.
References:
Salmivalli, C 2014, ‘Participant roles in bullying: How can peer bystanders be utilised in interventions?’, Theory into Practice, vol. 53, no. 4, pp. 286-292.
Salmivalli, C., Karna, A. & Poskiparta, E. (2011). Counteracting bullying in Finland: The KiVa program and its effects on different forms of being bullied. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 35, 405–411.