National Grief Awareness Day on August 30th was developed to promote greater awareness and understanding of the multitude of ways in which people cope with loss, as well as to encourage a more open discussion about bereavement and the realities of grief.
When I was asked to write an article for National Grief Awareness Day, it struck me that loss is something that each and every one of us will experience at some point in life yet it seems poorly understood or spoken about. It made me reflect on how in modern times – with smaller families, vastly improved life expectancies and people living further away from their loved ones – we have less experience of death than we would have 100 + years ago.
It feels like we have lost some of the rituals that traditionally accompanied death and with that, an awkwardness has crept in around knowing the best thing to say or do to support the people we care about in their grief. It can feel like there is a lack of compassion and patience for those who are grieving, with people feeling under pressure to quickly return to work and their responsibilities whilst behaving as if nothing has happened.
While most of us may be lucky enough to avoid the loss of a loved one for many years with that comes a disconnection from knowing how to support the bereaved. Friends and family may feel awkward in not knowing what to say beyond ‘I’m sorry for your loss’, leaving the grieving feeling abandoned and lost, cut off from the support they need.
It’s important to remember that grieving or mourning the loss of a loved one is one of the hardest things a person can go through, requiring care, love and compassion from friends and family. Sensitive, loving and thoughtful support makes a positive impact on the ability to heal and build a life around the loss.
“Grief has its own timeframe. It has its own itinerary with you. It has its own power over you, and it will come when it comes” – Elizabeth Gilbert
What is grief and what does it look like?
All grief is unique to the person who is grieving and is a complex and changeable process. There is no “right” way to grieve although it can be expected that people will go through a range of powerful emotions including anger, sadness, disbelief and sometimes guilt. It is now known that the stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – do not follow in those distinct stages but can show up at any time. People can sometimes feel like they are ‘not doing grief right’ and it will look and feel different for each individual.
How to support a person who is grieving?
Acknowledge the loss
It can feel stressful to know the right thing to say to someone who has lost a loved one and indeed, it may just feel easier to avoid them altogether. Better to say nothing than risk making matters worse. But keeping quiet and avoiding our friends when they need us most can make them feel more alone in their grief.
It’s important to contact the bereaved to acknowledge their loss and to let them know you are there to support them and are available to listen if they want to talk. As Cariad Lloyd in her excellent book “You Are Not Alone” states: “Anything you say may hurt us, but it will never hurt as much as the fact that they are still dead. You can’t make it worse”.
It might be sensitive to be ready with: “I’m sorry if I get this wrong” or “I want to help but I’m not sure how best to support you” and “I think I was insensitive when we were talking, I’m sorry”.
Listen
Listening to someone share their feelings is one of the most meaningful ways to support someone in their grief. Give them space to talk and share without interruption and show you’re tuning into to what they’re saying by maintaining eye contact and making small gestures or say, “I’m listening” or “I’m here for you”.
Take care not to push for more information or to make this about your own grief and loss. While it can feel like a way of connecting and showing understanding, it can make people feel like you are taking away your care and attention by making it about you. It also runs the risk of making comparisons, and all grief is personal to the individual.
Consider how best to stay in touch
Asking the person how best to keep in touch is a good idea. For some people, regular text messages may feel more manageable than a video call. Popping round to visit them at home may feel more meaningful for some people or invasive for others. Don’t make assumptions: check and keep checking how they’d like to hear from you and do it regularly.
Show up for them – be present
It’s distressing to see people suffer in their grief and it’s hard to avoid the urge to try to make everything better by saying the right thing or doing something to help. Many people say what is most valuable is to have someone be there for them: to sit in silence with them, to be there when they cry and hold them so they know they are not alone. Keep sending messages and have them know they are in your thoughts.
When there’s a break from the tears and the pain, and it will come, there’s an opportunity to do things to help our loved one feel better: have a meal, watch TV, get out of the house for a walk, have a hug. Asking if they’d like to do something and encouraging them to engage in an activity is another way to show care.
Provide practical support
It’s important to remember that people can often feel like they’re drowning in their grief, making normal, everyday tasks overwhelming. Helping out with household chores such as shopping, cooking, and tidying up is often appreciated. If you’re not sure what they need, ask with a specific suggestion such as “would you like me to make dinner tomorrow night?” and it will more likely be accepted.
Emotional support
It’s easy for people to feel like they’re overwhelmed with the power of their grief so being able to validate that these emotions are normal and part of healing is helpful. Being able to provide some reassurance by saying “your feelings are normal and it’s ok to feel like this” can be a huge comfort.
“To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die” – Thomas Campbell
Share memories
Sharing memories of the person who died can help the bereaved still feel a connection to the person they’ve lost and can be a comfort. Funny stories and reminiscences can provide lighter moments amongst the sadness.
Be sensitive
It’s important to be kind and sensitive to the feelings of someone who is mourning. Be mindful of not talking about yourself in a way that shows your life as carrying on as usual while they’re in pain. Be sensitive of their feelings when you talk about your own living partner/children/parent/sibling to the person and it is that relation of your friend who has died.
Avoid cliches: they’re invalidating and damaging. Instead, a genuine “I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I am here for you” feels more sincere and supportive.
If someone died by suicide, it’s important to use non-stigmatising language. Use words such as ‘died by suicide’ rather than committed suicide. Do not ask for details or speculate as to why someone may take their life. Focus on the life of the person who died and be sensitive when sharing details
When to seek professional help?
Grief can be painful and complicated. If it looks like your friend is struggling with prolonged depression or they are unable to cope with daily life, you could suggest they seek support from a grief counsellor or therapist who can provide a safe space for them to explore and express their feelings.
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.
Resources
Community Bereavement Service Providers
Best analogy for Grief – Dr Julie
References
Lloyd, C. (2023). “You Are Not Alone” Bloomsbury Tonic.
Samuel, J. (2017). “Grief Works – Stories of Life, Death and Surviving”. Penguin Life, London.
Smith, J. (2022). “Why has nobody told me this before?” Penguin