Raising children in Singapore is a real challenge. The high cost of living, emphasis on academic achievement, and long working hours can put immense pressure on the entire family. While many families living in Singaporean have dual-income households, many fathers experience a pressure towards progressing in their careers.
Fathers can often struggle in balancing their energy between providing for the family and spending time actively engaging with their loved ones (Harewood, Vallotton & Brophy-Herb, 2017). Time is never enough, and many fathers feel as if they are not good enough – either as fathers, employees, or both.
Research has increasingly highlighted the importance fathers have for family well-being and positive development for children (Diniz, Brandão, Monteiro & Veríssimo, 2021). This Father’s Day, let’s acknowledge the many challenges many fathers often face.
First, on a personal level, many fathers working in global working life can experience a pressure towards conforming with a restrictive and destructive set of traits often associated with a misconstrued understanding of masculinity (Børve & Bungum, 2015).
“Being strong” is often considered to mean “suppressing emotions”, with the implicit assumption being that emotions will dissipate over time when ignored or actively avoided. This way of coping is often the main reason for why many many fathers struggle to both identify personal needs, and prioritise their own well-being appropriately (Nolen-Hoeksema, 2012).
Finding a balance between pushing a child to excel and allowing them to play and explore is a dynamic problem faced by all parents. When raising children, clearly communicated expectations can be a powerful motivator. When realistic and aligned with a child’s strengths and weaknesses, achievement and growth can be promoted. However, overly demanding or unrealistic expectations can be a source of stress and lead to anxiety and low self-esteem. Most fathers are acutely aware of this, having themselves also experienced parental expectations when growing up. These two somewhat incompatible parental stances of discipline and affection can often be polarised when the two parents take on opposing roles. When a father becomes the primary disciplining parent, while the mother takes on a more nurturing role, it can over time create a distance between the father and the child.
As the children mature, there will always be some level of mismatch between the parental regulation enforced (or not enforced), and the child’s ability to make independent decisions. All parents will struggle on how to balance providing children with autonomy while simultaneously setting age appropriate boundaries in order to protect the children.
Family life is filled with endless choice points related to this, where parents either need to set boundaries or can encourage independence. Although parental boundaries and restrictions are necessary to protect children, too much can hinder the development of self-reliance. Children and adolescents will need the space to make mistakes, learn from them, and build the confidence to become independent individuals. The developmental change in adolescents can be challenging to identify, and many parents will often find themselves exerting a larger amount of control than called for.
When recognizing the challenges that fathers can face, it becomes clear that fathers too, just like their children, are in need of support and positive role models (Knoester, & Petts, 2017). When we are exposed to people who exhibit healthy self reflection, are emotionally available, attend to their own needs, and balance a healthy work-life balance; alternative and ways of coping become less dominant. Studies indicate that when fathers receive support from their network and spouse, they also tend to be more involved with their children (Yeung, 2016).
By promoting shared parental responsibility, prioritising mental health resources for fathers, and advocating for a cultural shift towards work-life balance, we can create a more supportive environment for all families. Fathers are crucial role models, and by creating a society that values well-rounded individuals, we can empower them to be the best fathers they can be.
Taking Action: Tips for Singaporean Fathers
Prioritise self care: When you think that you are not good enough and need to push yourself harder, take a moment to acknowledge these thoughts. While exerting more effort can often make us feel better in the short run (if we succeed), it runs the risk of maintaining a relentless and punitive expectation for yourself. Acknowledging and just being in these emotions that such thoughts can evoke, can help you accept who you are, and inevitably makes you more tolerant when you experience negative thoughts or emotions.
Uncover unvoiced expectations: While much of parenting can be actively delegated between parents, many responsibilities form without having been explicitly discussed. Be curious and hear your spouse out on what responsibilities you share and whether there is something that you both can do differently to support each other. Often, we can have expectations or assumptions about our shared responsibilities which we are not even ourselves aware of.
Share your challenges: While active reflection and sharing with friends, family or professional helpers can seem pointless as it does not provide a direct solution to concrete problems, it can help you gain some perspective. Most likely, your friends and family will recognize themselves in your situation, and all of you might even learn a thing or two from one another.
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.
References:
Børve, H. E., & Bungum, B. (2015). Norwegian Working Fathers in Global Working Life. Gender, Work & Organization, 22(4), 309–323. doi: 10.1111/gwao.12086
Diniz, E., Brandão, T., Monteiro, L., & Veríssimo, M. (2021). Father Involvement During Early Childhood: A Systematic Review of the Literature. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 13(1), 77–99. doi: 10.1111/jftr.12410
Harewood, T., Vallotton, C. D., & Brophy-Herb, H. (2017). More than Just the Breadwinner: The Effects of Fathers’ Parenting Stress on Children’s Language and Cognitive Development. Infant and Child Development, 26(2), e1984. doi: 10.1002/icd.1984
Knoester, C., & Petts, R. J. (2017). Fathers’ Parenting Stress After the Arrival of a New Child. Family Relations, 66(3), 367–382. doi: 10.1111/fare.12263
Yeung, W.-J. J. (2016). Fathers as Caregivers. In Encyclopedia of Family Studies (pp. 1–5). John Wiley & Sons, Ltd. doi: 10.1002/9781119085621.wbefs513