When my daughter was younger, as a ‘therapist-mom’, I was determined (read: armed with way too much developmental theory and zero chill) to be the perfect Secure Base. I was expecting tears (though maybe not so many!) at school drop offs but did not expect my own internal pressure to skyrocket. I was terrified of messing up my child’s attachment style.
But a child’s nervous system does not care whether their mom is a therapist and wants to nail a developmental milestone. So there was lots of clinging, tears and heartbreaking goodbyes – both at school and at home if I had to leave for any reason.
What came to my rescue though, were books! I realised that I could not prevent her anxiety but I could help her process it. I hit the bookshelves to find age appropriate tools to help her grasp the concept of separation and reunions.
That’s why the two absolutely brilliant books that I constantly recommend for little ones are Owl Babies and The Invisible String.
Owl Babies by Martin Waddell shares the story of three baby owls waiting for their mama on their tree branch. Its dark and scary at night. They don’t know where their mama has gone and when she will be back. The two older owls try to use logic (‘maybe she’s gone hunting’) while the baby owl keeps up a constant refrain of ‘I want my mummy.’
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst makes love into a tangible concept which is perfect for slightly older kindergarteners. It tells the story of two children and their mama who explains how an invisible string of love keeps them connected all the time. The children keep asking questions about different places the string can reach – ranging from ‘does it reach into the jungle?’ ‘To an astronaut in space?’ “To heaven?’
I find them brilliant because while Owl Babies says “it’s ok to be scared when I leave,’ The Invisible String shows – “here’s how we can stay connected until I get back.”
With Owl Babies, there is no fixing of feelings, it shows that it is ok to be scared when a parent leaves and it also shows the calm and warm return of the mother – who becomes the secure base, reinforcing trust by showing that she will always return.
Owl Babies illustrates that the mother is the safe haven waiting to comfort and protect her babies. When the safe haven vanishes, emotional dysregulation takes place and the book validates the acute panic of separation. Later, when the reunion is predictable and calm, it reinforces a secure attachment style, proving to the babies that their environment is safe and predictable.
Meanwhile, The Invisible String provides a coping tool for when the caregiver is away. As children grow, they need to go out to explore, learn and play. This book gives them a tangible tool to take the secure base with them. It gives kids a physical action – tugging on the string – to self-soothe when they feel alone and teaches parents how to help them even when they’re miles apart.
While Owl Babies works wonderfully for younger kids (ages 2-4), The Invisible String is great for children ages 4 and up. I highly recommend reading Owl Babies during calm weekend moments – not during an active meltdown – so that your child’s brain is relaxed enough to process the mother’s predictable return. With The Invisible String, try physically “tugging” the invisible string with your kid before a separation to create a ritual. Owl Babies is great for daily separations (work, school, errands) and The Invisible String is expansive enough to cover even grief, divorce, and family living far away.
In my clinic, I hear so many parents worry about whether separation anxiety is a parenting failure and I always want to remind them that it is actually a normal healthy sign of strong attachment. Every brave goodbye and warm hello keeps building your child’s emotional resilience.