We often take for granted the simple abilities that make up our daily lives. Walking without pain, remembering details, moving through the world without hesitation. But what happens when those abilities begin to slip away?
There are no clear rules for how to grieve a loss of ability. For one person, it might be the slow decline of eyesight. For another, the abrupt shock of an accident. What feels like an inconvenience to one can feel like the unraveling of identity to another.
Some might attempt to console the individual with positive encouragement; such as looking at the bright side or being mindful of those more unfortunate. Yet lived reality is not a comparative game. The experience of losing abilities evokes grief for who the person was, who they are now, and who they will become. When someone has once known their full capabilities, the restriction of no longer being able to do so serves as a constant reminder of the pain of what once was. This grief is not only about the present limitation, but also about the rupture in continuity of self; a theme echoed in grief literature, where loss often involves mourning both the past and the imagined future (Stroebe & Schut, 1999).
Identity and Function
Psychological theory suggests that much of identity is tied to roles and function. Self-determination theory, for example, emphasizes autonomy, competence, and relatedness as basic psychological needs (Deci & Ryan, 2000). When abilities are lost, competence and autonomy may feel threatened, destabilizing one’s sense of self. Erikson’s psychosocial model reminds us that later life often involves reconciling integrity with despair (Erikson, 1982). Yet loss of abilities can force this confrontation much earlier, asking people to re-negotiate meaning and worth in the face of limitations.
Society often equates productivity with worth. Disability studies challenge this, arguing that value cannot be reduced to physical or cognitive function (Shakespeare, 2006). Still, the lived experience of losing abilities reveals how quickly people are marginalized when their independence changes. Here, the pressing question emerges: If I can no longer do what I used to do, who am I allowed to be?
This space can feel isolating. Friends may not understand. Support may come wrapped in pity rather than empathy. Even well-meant encouragement can land as dismissal. What often gets overlooked is the quiet grief. Not just for the ability itself, but for the activities, opportunities, and connections that ability once made possible. Psychologists Stroebe and Schut’s dual process model of coping with loss (1999) explains this: grieving requires oscillation between confronting the pain of loss and finding ways to adapt to new realities.
Growth in the Midst of Loss
And yet, within this fragility lies possibility. Research on post-traumatic growth shows that individuals who face profound loss sometimes emerge with greater resilience, deeper empathy, and redefined priorities (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004). This does not erase grief — both loss and growth coexist.
Adaptation may involve shifting from doing to being, from independence to interdependence, from achievement to presence. These shifts align with psychological findings that meaning-making is central to resilience, especially when identity is disrupted (Park, 2010).
Perhaps the invitation is not to bypass the loss, but to sit with it. To honor the identity that was, while allowing space for the self that is still emerging. To remember that dignity is not measured by ability alone — but by the courage to exist fully, even when fragile.
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.
References
Erikson, E. (1982). The life cycle completed. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
Park, C. L. (2010). Making sense of the meaning literature: An integrative review of meaning making and its effects on adjustment to stressful life events. Psychological Bulletin, 136(2), 257–301. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0018301
Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.1.68
Schut, M. S. H. (1999). THE DUAL PROCESS MODEL OF COPING WITH BEREAVEMENT: RATIONALE AND DESCRIPTION. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224. https://doi.org/10.1080/074811899201046
Shakespeare, T. (2006). Disability rights and wrongs. In Routledge eBooks. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203640098
Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: Rationale and description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224. https://doi.org/10.1080/074811899201046
Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G. (2004). Target Article: “Posttraumatic Growth: Conceptual Foundations and Empirical Evidence”. Psychological Inquiry, 15(1), 1–18. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327965pli1501_01