Losing a parent or grandparent is a profound, yet universal experience. Because these individuals were often fixtures in our life, it can feel like something foundational in our world has shifted.
Grief is multifaceted and nonlinear. It can involve not only sadness but guilt for not doing more, relief from the burdens of caretaking, or anger at the ways we have been hurt by them. It does not follow a set timeline or pattern. You might feel sadness one day, anger the next, and numbness after that. These emotions coming and going in waves is normal. Allow yourself the space to feel without judgement. Healing does not mean forgetting – it means learning to live alongside the loss.
One way to live alongside the loss is to find ways to honour their legacy. Write down the lessons you learned from them and will take with you. Alexander Levy, author of “The Orphaned Adult”, says: “In adulthood, parents are like the rearview mirror of a car, making it safe to operate, as we head into the unknown, by providing a glimpse of where and who we have been, so we can better understand where and who we are becoming. When parents die, the experience is … like looking into the mirror and seeing nothing. How is one to navigate with the unknown ahead and nothing behind?” Reflecting on how your parent or grandparent has contributed to shaping your identity, beliefs and values, for good or ill, can help you restore this sense of continuity when feeling adrift.
Practice as well, simpler ways to honour their legacy. Gather photos of favourite moments and savour the memories. Cook their favourite recipes, or continue a tradition they cherished. These acts can bring a sense of connection and purpose as you move forward.
Although universal, losing a parent or grandparent comes with emotions as unique as our relationships with them. A fraught relationship in life may not spare us from the pangs of grief in death. Allow yourself permission to experience difficult feelings towards the deceased, even if they feel taboo. They reflect the reality of your relationship.
Feeling painful emotions and like the world is emptier without the deceased is normal. However, if you feel like your sense of self has been shaken, a sense of hopelessness about the future, or if your grief interferes significantly with your ability to conduct your life, these may be signs that you are experiencing complicated grief. Complicated grief, also known as prolonged grief disorder, is a condition characterised by intense, persistent, and disruptive grief that goes beyond the expected adjustment after a loss. If you experience any of these, seeking professional help for your mental health is advised.
Even years after the death, anniversaries, festive periods or birthdays may bring the grief back. Let the emotions enter and pass. Trust you have the strength to feel them deeply in remembrance of your parent or grandparent. With time, pain softens into the background, and what comes to the fore is often a sense of gratitude and enduring connection. It is their last gift to you.
Recommendation:
The Orphaned Adult: Understanding And Coping With Grief And Change After The Death Of Our Parents by Alexander Levy.
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.
References:
Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief counseling and grief therapy: a handbook for the mental health practitioner. Springer.