Lately, I was watching a Korean drama, and one scene hit me hard. A dad bought all the peas from a market stall just because his young daughter loved them. That small act of love reminded me of my own dad. When I was a kid, I never thought about how he made money or how hard it might have been for him. I just knew that when I wanted a box of 24 or even 48 coloured pencils, he would buy it for me. If I asked for a chocolate stick, he would have got me a whole box, no hesitation. Actually, he would even ask, “Are you sure you only want one box?”. Back then, I did not realize how tight money was for him or how hard he worked just to give us little things that made us happy.
Now that I have grown up, I see things differently. Earning money is not easy, and my dad did not have a high-paying job. But no matter how little he made, he always found a way to give me and my siblings what we wanted. Looking back, I feel both grateful and guilty. He never let us feel his struggles, but they were always there.
The thing is, as we grow up, something changes. The close bond we once had with our parents and grandparents starts to feel… distant. Conversations become short, and sometimes, even sitting down for a meal together feels awkward. I don’t know why this happens, but I can’t help but think that it is partly because of the way we were raised.
Why does it feel awkward to be around family?
You know that weird silence when you are sitting in the same room with your parents, and you don’t know what to talk about? Yeah, that. It was not always like that, right? When we were younger, we had endless things to say, stories about school, cartoons we loved, things that made us laugh. But somewhere along the way, that easy connection faded.
One big reason is that, in Asian families, emotional expression is not really a thing. We don’t grow up saying “I love you” or hugging our parents every day. So, as we get older, when the easy childhood chatter disappears, we don’t really know how to replace it with something else. Instead of finding new ways to connect, we just… don’t talk. And the longer we go without talking, the harder it gets to start again.
There is also the whole “respect your elders” thing. Of course, respecting our parents is important, but sometimes, it makes conversations feel like we have to be careful with what we say. We are scared of disappointing them, scared of being judged, or just unsure if they will understand where we are coming from. So, we say less and less, until suddenly, even a simple dinner together feels weird. Because feelings are not spoken out loud, the gap between us grows bigger over time, and before we know it, we barely talk at all.
And let’s be honest, Asian parents are not always the best at casual conversation. If we start talking about our dreams or struggles, there is a high chance we will hear something like, “Why are you thinking about that?” or “Just focus on your future”. Over time, we just stop sharing. And that silence turns into distance.
Another scene from the drama really got to me. The dad still saw his daughter as his little girl, even though she was all grown up. That moment made me realize, our parents probably still see us the same way, too. No matter how old we get, to them, we are still their kids. But instead of embracing that, we sometimes pull away, feeling awkward or distant, when maybe all they want is to hold on to that bond just a little longer.
And then there is the classic line: “Everything I did was for you”.
When I was younger, I used to find that phrase so annoying. I thought they were just saying it to justify forcing their expectations on us. But now, standing in their shoes, I realize how painful it must be for them to hear us dismiss their efforts. In their minds, they were doing what was best for us. But as kids, we did not see it that way. And maybe that is the hardest part, realizing that, despite the misunderstandings, they really did try their best, even if we just did not always agree.
Now, every time I see touching family moments in dramas, I tear up. I hate that it feels awkward to be close to my dad, my mom, or even my grandparents now. I hate that we don’t talk much anymore. And I hate that even something as simple as accepting a ride from them feels strange.
Why is it so hard for us to express love in Asian families?
In many Asian families, love is rarely expressed with words. It is shown through actions, making sure you have eaten, paying for your tuition, buying you snacks, or making sure you have an umbrella when it rains. These small gestures are how our parents and grandparents say, “I love you,” even if they never say those words out loud.
But why is it so hard to just say it? A lot of it comes down to culture. Many of our parents grew up in environments where emotions were not openly discussed. They were taught that love is about responsibility and sacrifice, not verbal affirmation or affection. Their parents raised them with tough love, and they naturally passed it down to us. Saying “I love you” feels unnecessary, maybe even awkward, because they assume we already know.
There is also a deep-rooted belief that expressing love too openly might make someone “soft” or “spoiled”. Many Asian parents fear that too much emotional expression could weaken their children’s resilience. So instead of saying, “I am proud of you,” they might say, “Work harder next time”. Instead of, “I care about your feelings”, they might say, “Just do what is right”.
For us, growing up in a world where we see other cultures freely saying “I love you” and hugging their parents, this difference can feel frustrating. It can make us feel like our parents are cold or distant when, in reality, they just show love differently.
Many parents believe that being strict and tough on their children is the best way to prepare them for the harsh realities of life. Parents express their love by pushing their children to succeed, criticizing their mistakes, or comparing them to others, thinking it will motivate them. Definitely not by “I love you”. But as children, we do not always see it that way. It feels more like pressure than love.
The “I Love You” is NOT Just Words
Many Asian parents believe that love does not need to be spoken, it should be shown through actions. But actually, while actions matter, words do too.
When parents actually say things like “I am proud of you” or “I love you,” it makes a huge difference. It tells a child that they are valued, not just for what they do, but for who they are. Kids who grow up hearing these affirmations tend to feel more secure, closer to their parents, and more comfortable expressing themselves.
But when love is only shown through silent sacrifices, it can feel distant. Of course, deep down, we know our parents love us. But if they never actually say it, sometimes we wonder. And it is even worse when our achievements are only met with higher expectations.
Like, imagine getting 98 on an exam, feeling proud of yourself, only to hear, “Next time, aim for extra credit”. Parents think they are pushing us to do better, but to us, it feels like nothing is ever enough. And over time, that kind of response makes kids stop sharing their wins. Why bother if the goalpost just keeps moving?
When a child grows up without affirmation, it does not just affect their childhood. It follows them into adulthood. They might struggle with confidence, constantly doubting if they are good enough, even when they have done well. They may second-guess every decision, always seeking external validation because they never learned to believe in themselves. No matter how successful they become, there is always that tiny voice in their head whispering, “Is this really enough? Am I really enough?”.
Speaking love out loud does not mean parents have to stop pushing their kids. It just means balancing expectations with encouragement. Letting us know we are loved for more than just our achievements.
At the same time, if we ever feel like our parents don’t say “I love you” enough, maybe we can be the ones to start. Yeah, it might feel super awkward at first, but who knows? Maybe they need to hear it too.
Growing up in an Asian Family – How to find peace and understanding?
It is easy to focus on what was lacking in the way we were raised. The lack of open affection, the pressure to succeed, the feeling of emotional distance. These things can make us feel like we missed out on something. But let’s not hold onto resentment or frustration.
We can learn to see the love that was always there.
Love can exist in the quiet ways our parents cared for us, the packed lunches, the reminders to bring a jacket, the way they always made sure we had enough to eat. Once we shift our perspective and start recognizing these small gestures as love, it becomes easier to feel grateful rather than resentful.
We can understand that our parents did their best.
Most parents were not given a guide on how to express love. They raised us based on what they knew, what they believed was best, and what they themselves experienced growing up. If they were raised in a strict and emotionally distant household, it makes sense that they would struggle to express warmth openly. But that does not mean they loved us any less.
We can stop comparing our family to others.
It is natural to compare when we see families from different cultures openly hugging and saying nice things about family members. Stop focusing on what we did not have, we can choose to appreciate the love that was given to us in the way our parents knew how. Love does not have to look the same for everyone.
We can take the first step to change the cycle.
If we want to create a closer bond, we do not have to wait for our parents to change. We can be the ones to take small steps. The more we practice, the easier it becomes.
We can allow ourselves to feel and heal.
It is okay to feel sad about what we wished we had. We can choose to heal by focusing on the love that was there. When we stop expecting love to look a certain way, we might realize we were loved all along, we just did not recognize it sooner.
Relearning how to feel LOVE…
But that is just how things are in Asian families, right? We don’t need to say things out loud. We don’t need grand gestures. Maybe we don’t have to force them to change, but we can try to bridge the gap. If we want to express love more openly in our own families one day, we can start small. A simple “thank you” when they do something for us, a hug when words feel too awkward, or just sitting at the same table, eating in silence, for a little longer than usual, these little things might slowly make it easier.
Maybe it is not about forcing change but about taking small steps, but starting to “find” the love where it exists, expressing gratitude, and slowly making communication easier. And perhaps, if we ever have our own families, we can remember this feeling and do things a little differently. Not necessarily by abandoning tradition but by finding a balance, a way to show love that feels natural to us but also lets the people we care about know, without a doubt, how much we love them.
Because in the end, love was always there, waiting for us to notice. The question is… will we?
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.
Sources:
- Why Asians Don’t Say “I Love You” To Their Parents
- Affection among Asians
- A Bowl of Cut Fruits Is How Asian Moms Say: I Love You
- How Asian Parents Say ‘I Love You’ Without Actually Saying It
- The Role of Silence in Asian American Families
- The South Asian Family Trap
- People who never received words of affirmation as a child tend to develop these traits later in life, says psychology
- Asian Parents Who Say ‘I Criticize Because I Care’
- “Chinese Parents Don’t Say I Love You” by Candice Chung