Surprises in life can create complex grief like disenfranchised grief. This term refers to grief that society, as a whole, fails to recognize, validate, or support, leaving individuals feeling isolated in their mourning (Doka, 1989). A particularly poignant expression of this grief is tied to the idea of Mother Hunger, a term popularised by counsellor Kelly McDaniel, which describes the lifelong emotional longing stemming from unmet maternal needs in childhood.
Disenfranchised grief arises in circumstances where losses are not openly acknowledged or socially legitimised. These include ambiguous losses (e.g., a loved one’s mental illness) or personal milestones that others may not view as grief-worthy, such as losing a dream or identity (Germany, 2021). Unlike traditional grief, which is often supported through rituals and social empathy, disenfranchised grief leaves individuals struggling in silence, compounding feelings of shame, loneliness, and depression (Attig, 2004; Mitchell, 2017). Without recognition or external validation, individuals can become “stuck” in their grief, unable to process or find resolution (Zhang et al., 2006).
Mother Hunger captures the unmet needs from three pillars: a lack of maternal nurturing, protection, or guidance. When a child’s need for affection or emotional security is unmet, the resulting void can persist into adulthood, leading to the adult daughter questioning her self-worth and the validity of her needs, attachment difficulties, and challenges of anger (McDaniel, 2021). This emotional deficit often intertwines with disenfranchised grief, as society does not always recognize the legitimacy of mourning an idealised mother-daughter bond that never existed (McDaniel, 2021). They may feel that their experiences are “lesser” compared to tangible losses such as death, leading to suppressed grief. This can contribute to chronic emotional distress and hinder personal growth.
Possible techniques to self sooth Mother Hunger
Somatic exercises: Adult daughters can learn to nurture themselves, in lieu of a mother’s touch, but trying somatic exercises like rubbing the forearms or hugging one self and yoga poses intended to open up the pelvic region. Somatic Experiencing (SE), a trauma-focused therapy developed by Peter Levine, is based on the idea that traumatic experiences are often held in the body and can cause ongoing physical and emotional distress. SE has shown to help individuals process these trapped emotions and reduce the impact of unresolved trauma, which could include the emotional wounds related to mother hunger.
Acknowledgment and validation: Recognizing Mother Hunger as a source of pain allows clients to reframe their experience and give themselves permission to grieve unmet needs. In particular, group therapy or support groups can be particularly useful, where each individual can benefit from hearing how others in the group may have experienced similar distress in this universal form of grief. Kelly’s group therapy highlights journalling and art therapy in addition to talk therapy as an integrated modality.
Exploration of loss narratives: Articulating your experience of disenfranchised grief can unpack feelings of shame and confusion. This process often leads to a deeper understanding of their emotional landscape, thereby identifying hidden sources of pain (Germany, 2021).
Building a practice for self compassion: adults grappling with Mother Hunger often blame themselves for their unmet needs, that somehow they are worthless or unlovable, as a means to rationalise why their mothers were not available. Introducing self compassion practices can mitigate this internalised guilt and create space for healing (McDaniel, 2021). Some examples of these practices can include mindfulness techniques, self affirmation tapes, mantras, etc.
Creating new rituals: since disenfranchised grief lacks societal rituals, we can develop creative ones to speak to this grief. For example, writing letters to their younger selves or participating in symbolic acts of closure can help clients process their grief meaningfully.
Fostering secure attachments: addressing attachment wounds caused by Mother Hunger is essential. Clients can try techniques such as emotion-focused therapy (EFT) to help clients build healthier, more secure relationships in adulthood.
Healing from Mother Hunger is a (potentially lifelong) journey that requires compassion, patience, and tailored strategies. Acknowledging the client’s pain, offering tools to process their grief, and helping them rewrite their narratives are essential steps in this process. Through this work, clients can reclaim their agency, foster resilience, and find ways to thrive beyond the shadows of unmet maternal needs and unrecognised grief.
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.
References
Attig, T. (2004). Disenfranchised grief revisited: Discounting hope and love. Omega-Journal of Death and Dying, 49(3), 197–215.
Germany, M. (2021). Disenfranchised losses: Grief and growth in non-death loss events. University of Memphis.
McDaniel, K. (2021). Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance. Hay House.
Mitchell, A. (2017). A critical review of disenfranchised grief: The impact of non-traditional losses. Death Studies, 41(1), 20–25.
Zhang, B., El-Jawahri, A., & Prigerson, H. G. (2006). Update on bereavement research: Evidence-based guidelines for the diagnosis and treatment of complicated bereavement. Journal of Palliative Medicine, 9(5), 1188–1203.