Parenting is messy. It’s full of highs and lows, moments of pride mixed with a lot of self-doubt. As both a Circle of Security Parenting (COSP) facilitator and a parent myself, I’ve experienced firsthand how this journey can test your confidence. But I’ve also seen how the COSP framework can help parents find their footing and start to feel more secure in their role. It’s not about being perfect, but about being present, reflective, and open to growth.
Why Parental Confidence Matters
Let’s face it: when you feel good about yourself as a parent, it shows in how you respond to your kids. You’re calmer, more patient, and more connected. But when you’re doubting yourself? It’s easy to spiral into frustration or guilt. And kids pick up on that.
What I love about COSP is how it gives parents a roadmap for understanding their children’s needs while also helping them build their own self-esteem. It’s a dual benefit: your kids feel more secure, and you feel more capable. Everyone wins.
The Circle: A Game Changer
At the heart of COSP is this simple yet profound graphic called the “Circle of Security.” It’s a way of looking at your child’s behavior and needs that makes everything click. Kids are constantly moving around this circle—sometimes they’re exploring, needing you as a secure base to support their adventures, and other times they’re coming back to you for comfort as their safe haven.
When I first learned about this circle, it was a revelation. And I see the same “aha” moment in every parent when we introduce the Circle in the program. Suddenly, all those moments when your toddler clings to you after a tumble or has a meltdown make sense. Kids are not trying to frustrate us—they are telling us what they need. And being able to meet those needs (most of the time, at least!) can give us such a sense of purpose and confidence.
Tackling the Self-Doubt: Shark Music and Repair
One of the most powerful parts of COSP is what we call “Shark Music.” It’s that background noise in your head that ramps up when your kid’s behavior triggers you. Maybe it’s the sound of your own childhood experiences, or maybe it’s the fear that you’re messing them up. For example, for many parents, Shark Music plays every time their child throws a tantrum in public. Parents feel embarrassed and worried that people think they can’t handle being a mom or a dad.
COSP teaches us to pause and recognize that Shark Music for what it is: a story our brains are telling us, not the truth about us or our children. Once you learn how to quiet that noise, you can start responding to your kids with more empathy and less panic.
And let’s talk about Repair. Repair is truly transformative. COSP doesn’t expect you to be a perfect parent. Instead, it’s about what you do after you’ve snapped, made a mistake, or missed the mark. Repairing with your child—acknowledging what happened, apologizing, and reconnecting—is where the magic happens. And every time you repair, it reinforces your belief in your own ability to parent effectively, even when you make mistakes. Repair not only strengthens the bond with your child but also builds your confidence by showing you that mistakes are opportunities for growth and connection, rather than a reflection of failure.
Building Community and Realizing You’re Not Alone
One of the most rewarding aspects of facilitating COSP groups is witnessing parents discover the power of community. Parenting, especially in today’s world of curated social media portrayals, can feel isolating. Many parents think they are the only ones struggling, but COSP provides a space where they can see they are not alone. Hearing others’ challenges and solutions often leads to profound validation and relief.
For example, during a session, a parent might share their frustration over repeated struggles with morning routines, only to hear another parent describe the exact same issue. This shared understanding fosters a sense of solidarity, reminding parents that these challenges are common and do not reflect their failure. Being part of a supportive group gives parents a sense of belonging and boosts their confidence, reminding them that they’re not only capable but also supported.
Practical Steps to Build Confidence
If you’re a parent looking to feel more secure in your role, here are some tips I’ve found helpful both in my own parenting and through COSP:
Reflect Daily: Take a few moments at the end of each day to reflect on your parenting journey. Focus on the moments where you connected well with your child, even if they were brief. Recognizing these positive interactions can help you see your progress and maintain a balanced perspective. If there were challenging moments, view them as opportunities to learn rather than as failures.
Seek Support: Join a COSP group or connect with other parents in your community. Being surrounded by people who understand the ups and downs of parenting can be a game-changer. Sharing stories, tips, and encouragement fosters a sense of belonging and helps normalize the struggles of caregiving, reminding you that you are not alone.
Celebrate Small Wins: Pay attention to the little victories that happen every day. Did you manage to soothe your child during a tantrum or share a laugh over a silly moment? Acknowledging these successes, no matter how small, reinforces your confidence and shows you that you’re doing something right.
Practice Mindfulness: Make an effort to stay present when interacting with your child. Whether it’s during playtime or while addressing their needs, being mindful helps you tune into their emotions and reactions. This presence strengthens your relationship and reinforces your sense of competence as a caregiver.
Embrace Repair: Mistakes happen—it’s part of being human. When things go off track, focus on repairing the relationship with your child. Apologize if necessary, explain what went wrong, and reassure them of your love. This process not only rebuilds trust but also demonstrates resilience and models healthy conflict resolution for your child. Every successful repair boosts your confidence, reminding you that imperfection is part of growth.
Being a parent is the hardest and most important job in the world, but you don’t have to do it perfectly to do it well. The Circle of Security Parenting program has taught me—and so many other parents—that confidence comes from connection, not perfection. By understanding your child’s needs, reflecting on your own experiences, and embracing the messy beauty of repair, you can feel more secure in your role. And trust me, when you feel more confident, your kids feel it too. That’s the real win.
Written by Violeta Tsolova
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.