You’ve just had a baby – you’ve dreamed of this moment for so long, this tiny bundle is finally in your arms and is the cutest squishiest little bundle of joy you could imagine. You’re holding him, bursting with love and all of a sudden – wham! “What if I dropped him?” this thought pops into your head. Or maybe it’s another version of it – “what if I snap and hurt my baby?” (Kleiman, 2019) Or maybe you’re bone tired and you have another thought – “what if I get so mad that I shake the baby?” (Kleiman and Wenzel, 2011).
What are scary thoughts? Does everybody have them?
Approximately 91% of new mothers (and not just mothers experiencing an anxiety disorder) have unwanted negative intrusive thoughts about harming their baby (Kleiman, 2019). These kinds of thoughts are so common that there is a book by the same name as the title of this article (recommended reading). The sense of complete responsibility for the care of a dependent little human being creates intermittent or constant anxiety about something terrible happening.
“Scary thoughts” is a term used to describe thoughts that are:
- unwelcome
- disturbing
- negative
- intrusive
These may show up as thoughts, ideas, vivid images, impulses or urges. They are usually distressing to the mother (ego-dystonic) and lead to feelings of guilt, fear and shame. These are very common though and do not indicate that anything is wrong. Once you understand how normal they are, they feel much more manageable.
However, there are times when they do not feel manageable at all and it may feel like you are unable to function – they are so frequent and disturbing. There may be two instances where professional help is required:
1) When these thoughts make logical sense to the mother and she wants to act upon them (ego-syntonic) – symptoms include hallucinations, mood swings, disorganised thought patterns. It may be a case of rare but severe postpartum psychosis.
2) When anxiety becomes too distressing, and thoughts become obsessive, actions may be repetitive to reduce anxiety and/or the mother is constrained from functioning well because of them, it may indicate postpartum OCD.
It can feel really strange to have these thoughts especially when you also feel overwhelming love for your baby.
Why do scary thoughts happen?
Mums may feel like they are going crazy if they have these thoughts. They feel guilty and ashamed about having them and don’t tell anyone. Maybe they are scared that their babies may be taken away from them. However, having these thoughts does not make you a bad mom.
Human beings are hardwired to protect their babies and anxiety is the brain’s way of anticipating any kind of danger that may befall them. The brain is on high alert looking for signals to protect the infant from any harm, or perceived harm and mothers respond to it by taking painstaking care that it doesn’t. The mother who has a thought about the infant’s stroller rolling downhill will hold on to the stroller a bit tighter. The mother who has a thought about accidentally dropping her baby when giving her a bath will be extra careful that she doesn’t drop her. In a way, it is nature using biology to help dependent and frail human beings to survive.
Sleep deprivation, hormonal changes, genetic predisposition towards anxiety, environmental stressors and thinking styles all contribute towards the emergence of scary thoughts (Kleiman, 2019). Cultural norms specify that a good mother is someone who instinctively knows how to take care of her baby and the mother who pictures her baby dying must be a mother who is very very bad (Ford, 2020). However, the fact that you are horrified by these thoughts actually indicates that you have no desire to follow through with them.
The irony is that the more one tries to make these thoughts go away, the more they stick.
What can I do about them?
It’s important to recognize that these thoughts don’t reflect your character or intentions and they serve no indication of your parenting abilities. A postpartum mother will do anything to not act on these flashes (Mason, 2022).
Acknowledge these thoughts but don’t give them any weight. Remind yourself that you are a good mother, that having these thoughts are normal and that you won’t always feel this way.
An ACT exercise which helps is called “noticing” – notice these thoughts and say to yourself – I am having this thought again. Isn’t it interesting?. Look at that worry popping up. I know that one. This will help you be curious about the thought rather than fear it.
Another important step is to speak the secret – tell other moms that you are having these thoughts or tell a trusted loved one. It may help to feel supported and maybe know that other people have experienced them too. This will help in managing loneliness and shame.
If these thoughts affect caring for your children, seek professional help.
As always, know that you are not alone, you are not to blame. Help is available. You will get better (Postpartum Support International, 2023).
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.
References:
1) Kleiman K, and Wenzel, A. 2011. Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts: Breaking the Cycle of Unwanted Thoughts in Motherhood. New York: Taylor & Francis.
2) Ford Andrea. 2020. “Birthing from Within: Nature, Technology and Self-Making in Silicon Valley Childbearing.” Cultural Anthropology 35(4): 602-630.
3) Mason Katherine A.. 2022. Blenders, Hammers, and Knives: Postpartum Intrusive Thoughts and Unthinkable Motherhood. Anthropol. Humanism. 2022 doi: 10.1111/anhu.12379. DOI – PMC – PubMed
4) Kleiman, Karen. 2019. Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts. Familius LLC.