How a child experiences the failure to meet their needs can vary with the type of parental behaviour they are exposed to. If a parent is volatile or abusive, the child may experience intense fear and anger. At the other end of the spectrum, if a parent cares for physical needs but does not connect emotionally, a child may feel a vague emptiness or loneliness that is difficult to describe or acknowledge. At the same time, children often still love their parent, resulting in mixed feelings that are confusing for a child.
Forgive – or not.
It is often said that you should forgive those who have wronged you, if only for your own well-being. Yet it is also common to struggle with forgiveness, especially if the harm done was extensive and undeserved. Many adults who had difficult relationships with their parents come to realise that they could not have done anything to deserve the hurt caused to them, as they were a child who did not know better.
According to Dr Susan Forward in her book, Toxic parents: Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life, the paradox of forgiveness arises out of its two facets. The first is giving up the need for revenge, and the second is absolving the guilty party of responsibility.
Most people see quite readily that the former would benefit them. The desire for vengeance is natural but corrosive over time. It weighs us down in obsessive fantasies that only ruin our enjoyment of the present.
In my experience as a therapist, it is the second facet which most struggle with. Dr Forward argues that it is not necessary to absolve a parent in order to heal. Indeed, some people rush into a premature forgiveness which perpetuates self-blame and hides anger, hurt and grief underneath. It is only after acknowledging these painful emotions, and the accountability of their parents for them, that adult children can move on. Forgiveness is possible after this process, but only if the individual wants it.
Communicate with your parents and evaluate how willing they are to attune with your emotions.
It is common for adults who have a difficult relationship with their parents to continue to yearn for their parents’ love. If this applies to you, you may believe that your parent will finally attune to your emotional needs if only you could find the correct way to communicate with them. Practising assertive communication is a good way to let your parent know of your needs and check if they are willing to meet you halfway.
Parents vary greatly in their capacity to change. Some parents are open to hearing how they have hurt you and acknowledging their faults. A good proportion are defensive at first, but are able to empathise after several conversations. They can change some ways they relate to their adult children, but remain fixed in other ways. Other parents remain dismissive of their adult children despite repeated attempts at conversation, and continue with their damaging ways of relating.
It is important to acknowledge the extent to which your parent is limited in their ability to change. The process of letting go of your hopes for an ideal relationship will probably be painful. However, going through this grief is what will allow you to keep to the boundaries you draw with your parent.
Decide what your boundaries are and hold to them.
As an adult, you can decide when and how much you interact with your parents. For example, if they insist you visit weekly, you can repeat to them that you will visit monthly and hold to that schedule. You can sidestep questions if you know that they become critical when you share too much of your personal life. If your parent is among those who remain dismissive and refuse to change, it is even okay to cut off contact with them.
The key to maintaining your boundaries is to check your guilt and urge to relent when met with resistance or blame. Review the ways you have learned to neglect your needs and be wary of repeating them. Validate yourself after difficult interactions, and seek support from friends and family who can remind you of your right to protect your needs.
Extended family members may pressure you to be more accommodating and relate to your parents in the way they deem correct. You have the right to draw boundaries with these family members as well.
Healing from a difficult relationship with a parent can be a raw and complex journey. Be kind and patient with yourself, arm yourself with knowledge, share your journey with people who have the emotional capacity to support you, and remember that it is okay to seek professional help if needed.
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.
Recommended reading:
Forward, S. (2002). Toxic parents: Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life. Bantam.
Gibson, L. C. (2015). Adult children of emotionally immature parents: how to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents. New Harbinger.
Webb, J., & Musello, C. (2014). Running on empty: overcome your childhood emotional neglect. Morgan James.