The parent-child bond is a foundational relationship in life. It sets the blueprint for our sense of self, and all the relationships that come after. When something goes awry in this relationship, the effects on a child can last into adulthood.
Every child has important needs for safety, nurturance, consistent boundaries, autonomy, and play. However, parents can fail to meet these needs in various ways and for different reasons. Some parents have too many demands on themselves to be responsive enough to a child they love. Some parents and children have temperaments and values that do not fit well together, making conflict difficult to avoid. Some parents, due to their own childhood wounds, can be harsh, volatile, neglectful, or even abusive.
Long lasting effects
The experience of their needs not being met is often distressing enough that a child will try, at least initially, to maintain their connection with their parent. Experts speculate that this serves an evolutionary purpose, as children are dependent on their parents for survival.
Efforts by children to maintain and cope with the relationship might coalesce into habits that hinder them in adulthood. For example, they may learn to perform perfectly to earn approval, make others happy at the expense of themselves, withdraw from relationships to avoid hurt, be rigidly prepared to avert chaos, etc. Alternatively, because their parents modelled dysfunctional behaviour daily, these children might pick up the same behaviour and continue them as adults.
As adults, they may have disproportionate emotional and behavioural reactions to people and situations that remind them of their parents. For example, they may feel excessive fear and anger towards a boss who resembles a critical father, behave defiantly, and suffer the negative consequences on their career. A subset of these adults are drawn towards partners, mentors or close friends who remind them of their parents, re-creating unfulfilling relationships in adult life.
What to do
Generally speaking, if you are an adult who has a difficult relationship with your parent, you have two broad tasks ahead of you:
- Managing and unlearning long-term emotional and behavioural patterns
- Managing the relationship with the difficult parent as an adult
These tasks are not mutually exclusive, and work done on one can help the other. Healing from childhood wounds is a complex process. If you or a loved one is in this position however, take heart – healing is possible, and there have been many who walked this path before.
Here are some general steps to get you started:
Managing and unlearning the long-term emotional and behavioural patterns – the legacy of the difficult relationship.
Reflect on your feelings and experiences in the history of your difficult relationship with your parent, and how they have impacted you.
You may have memories of your parent that come with painful emotions. Try journaling about these memories and reflecting on the emotions they evoke. This process can help you make sense of your past and how it has shaped the way you react in relationships today. You may choose to open up about your reflections to someone close to you. Try to choose someone who is able to listen to you attentively and validate your emotions non-judgmentally, instead of providing advice.
Practise awareness of the ways you have learned to neglect your emotional needs.
As described earlier in this article, one way children cope with parents who neglect their needs is to learn to ignore their own needs as well. There are many different ways we can ignore our emotional needs, and it is useful to know what your particular tendencies are.
Ask yourself if you tend to be a perfectionist or people-pleaser at your own expense. Or perhaps you tend to push your emotions away, but then feel something is missing from life. Alternatively, you may avoid closeness but feel vaguely lonely at moments.
If you are unsure, it can be useful to keep a log of situations in which you felt unfulfilled, sad, anxious or angry, and your thoughts about them. A pattern may emerge. Armed with an awareness of your automatic pattern of self-neglect, you can take steps to act against it.
Explore your hidden feelings toward people in your life.
Dr Lindsay Gibson recommends this exercise to get in touch with feelings and unlearn the habit of ignoring your needs. You can try this whenever you are struggling with negative emotions.
Consider if your emotions are related to a specific person you have interacted with recently. Try describing your feelings toward this person in simple sentences. It may help to write them down in private. Try to acknowledge your genuine emotions despite any guilt you might feel about whether they are “reasonable” or fair. When you have arrived at your true feelings, you will sense of relief in your body.
Remember that it is not necessary to confront this person. Many individuals believe that acknowledging their feelings about someone means they must communicate them to said person. The mental picture of this confrontation can provoke anxiety and lead us to ignore what we feel.
This exercise is simply to increase self-awareness. Awareness of your emotions will give you important information about whether your needs are being met in this situation. You can then take your time and ponder how to best navigate the situation. The wisest strategy may or may not include confrontation.
After repeating this exercise several times, you may discover that you tend to respond in similar ways to certain types of people or situations. You may also find that such circumstances or relationships are reminiscent of the difficult interactions you had with your parent. If so, take note of these patterns so you can pre-empt them in the future.
If you cannot find a link to your past, don’t fret – you have still gained important tools to navigate your life more effectively.
Seek professional support if needed.
Gaining insight into emotions and behaviours that have become automatic responses over a lifetime can be challenging. Taking steps to disrupt deeply ingrained patterns can be also overwhelming. If you feel you need help in this journey, consider speaking with a therapist or joining a professionally-facilitated therapy group to get the support you need.
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.
Recommended reading:
Forward, S. (2002). Toxic parents: Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life. Bantam.
Gibson, L. C. (2015). Adult children of emotionally immature parents: how to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents. New Harbinger.
Webb, J., & Musello, C. (2014). Running on empty: overcome your childhood emotional neglect. Morgan James.