For parents, watching children progress through each developmental milestone can fill them with pride, relief, delight, worry and angst. Whether it’s transition from crawling to walking, primary to secondary school, or launching as emerging adults, parents may find themselves delighted with the progression, but also filled with uncertainty about how to manage each new phase of parenting.
I recall dropping our eldest off at university, I felt like I was literally leaving my heart behind when we said farewell. The same heart-wrenching feeling resurfaced when dropping off our youngest a few years later. After the heartache of separation, I recall wondering how do I continue to parent given geographic distance and considering this life-cycle transition we were experiencing.
While children live under the same roof with their parents, we, as parents, fulfil the duty of care for a child’s safety. Once children are launched into the wider world and live on their own, although parents may continue to worry about their children’s wellbeing, the daily care and protection role lessens. Although children develop and gain independence, the parenting role persists. It persists in a manner which may look and feel different from those early years and many parents of emerging adults find themselves contemplating ‘how do I manage this stage of parenting?’. Friends, colleagues, and clients have often stated ‘I’m needed by my adult children, but it all seems to be on their terms – when and how they want or need my support.’
PARENTING TRANSITIONS
Parenting Adult and Emerging Adult Children is an under-researched area of parenting (Arnett, 2023; 2008) and there are limited resources available for parents of adult children (Damour, 2023). Both in my social circle, as a parent of children in their 20’s, and as a clinician, I often hear other parents comment on the complexity of parenting adult children. Each developmental stage comes with new challenges, however, this stage of ‘parenting adults’ is not an area that is widely addressed.
Gail Palmer, MSW, RMFT, a Founding Member of the Ottawa Couple and Family Institute, who facilitates Emotionally Focused Therapy with Families (EFFT), using an attachment lens, explains the tension can be felt on both sides – parents and adult children – given the changing dynamic of the parent-child relationship. Palmer (2022) highlights that ‘Adult children long to be accepted for who they are and the choices they make longing for parental validation;…. Parents long to stay connected to children, fears of letting go, fears of loss, rejection, and abandonment’. Sometimes navigating this new family structure can bring challenges while parents and children negotiate their evolving positions.
EMERGING ADULTS
Jeffrey Arnett, Developmental Psychologist at Clarke University in the US, and founder of Society for Study of Emerging Adulthood, coined the term ‘emerging adults’ which spans the age range 18-29. Arnett interviewed hundreds of ‘emerging adults’ and more recently conducted a survey with over a thousand individuals in this age range 18-29 in the US. Arnett was interested in exploring how emerging adults define adulthood and how they experience this stage of life. Arnett recognises that parenting norms will vary in different cultural contexts.
Arnett’s research indicated the following features of ‘emerging adulthood’:
- Identity exploration – ‘who am I?’
- Instability (time of significant change – median number of job changes is 10 during this age range in the US)
- Self-focus – as individuals are often not yet committed to others, beyond their families of origin. Arnett is careful to distinguish ‘self-focus’ from ‘selfishness’. He explains that self-focus is a time of self-exploration considering ‘who am I’ and what will my future look like. Arnett explains that emerging adulthood tends to be a time of less selfishness than adolescence as emerging adults have better capacity to understand others perspectives.
- Feel in-between – not fully adult and not adolescent
Many consider increasing independence as associated with emerging adulthood. Gower and Dowling (2008), who conducted research on parenting adults, explain that transition to adulthood independence is predominantly a western norm. Independence is influenced by cultural discourses. When we, as clinicians, work with clients, we explore cultural backgrounds and norms. For example, we understand that in some cultures, the norm is for children to live in the family home until the time children are married. However, many emerging adults are getting married or choosing life partners later, and some decide not to marry at all.
As we are aware, Singapore is filled with many families who have lived in a variety of diverse cultures. Sometimes complications occur when children are raised by parents with quite traditional values (eg, live at home until married) and when young people study or travel abroad, in western contexts, they may be exposed to different family values or structures. For example, the norm in the US and UK is that many young people in their 20’s strive to live independently from their families, if they can manage to do so financially .
PARENTAL CONCERNS
In Gower and Dowling’s research, they found that many parents are concerned about their adult children’s finances, children’s partners, letting go as children become more independent, fear of alienation, and how to best communicate with adult children. In addition, 50% of mothers, compared with 18% of fathers, are concerned about emotional challenges their adult children may experience.
Considering helpful communication between parents and emerging adult children can seem particularly challenging when parents and adult children live in different geographic contexts and simply finding convenient times to speak while navigating different time zones can be difficult. In these situations, it can be helpful to schedule time to connect and put it in the diary.
CHALLENGES OF EMERGING ADULTHOOD
The same features Arnett found associated with emerging adulthood, can, at times, lead to emotional or mental health challenges. For example, identity contemplation can be a time fraught with confusion; instability and frequent changes can be unsettling; self-focus can feel quite lonely; and feeling ‘in-between’ a young person and adulthood is not always a comfortable position.
Recent generations experience more freedom in contemplating their identity – including gender, sexuality, religion, among others. In former generations, some were told precisely who to become within more rigid familial expectations. As current generations experience more freedom to contemplate ‘who am I’ – it also means the transition to adulthood can take longer.
Many parents worry about how to effectively support the emotional wellbeing of their emerging adult children. A key focus is to preserve the health of the parent-child relationship. Steele and McKinney (2018) share results of a study with over 1400 emerging adults which suggested the lowest rates of mental health problems for emerging adults were associated with higher parent–child relationship quality.
Kirby and Hoang (2018) state that ‘the quality of the relationship between parent and adult children can significantly influence the child throughout adulthood, and determines the parent’s own well-being in their late-life.’
PARENTING TIPS
Arnett highlights the following suggestions for parents of emerging adults:
1. Realise the limits of parental power during their children’s emerging adulthood.
2. Learn to bite one’s tongue and hold back on offering advice or criticism… unless parents are asked by their children or if there are concerns of safety and wellbeing.
This can be tricky when considering boundaries, such as when emerging adults return to the family home after a time of living elsewhere. While it is reasonable to set age-appropriate boundaries and clarify expectations (eg, ‘please let me know if you will be out very late or staying at a friend’s house.’), it can be helpful to remember to ‘pick your battles’. For example, might it be possible to ignore the state of your emerging adult’s room if the door is closed during their visit. Save your input for more significant areas of concern, such as safety and wellbeing.
3. Be patient with emerging adults as this is a time of change, instability, and identity contemplation.
Arnett highlights that many parents of emerging adults experience a more positive relationship with their children during this age than during the adolescent phase. Enjoy connecting with your child on a different, more mature, level. It can be a relief to no longer worry about whether they have brushed their teeth or finished their homework, and rather connect in ways you both enjoy.
Dr Steinberg (2023) describes the push toward autonomy in late 20’s as emerging adults want to show their parents and world that they can handle the demands placed on them. When adult children push back or disregard parents’ opinions, this resistance is part of developing autonomy. It’s not personal – not about the parents – but rather a normal phase of development. Damour and Steinberg (2023) explain that negotiating a new understanding of independence in the family involves establishing a new balance of understanding family roles and structure.
Parents often put on their problem-solving hats when children approach them with dilemmas or challenges. However, it can be more helpful to encourage your emerging adult child to seek resources available to them. For example, if a child is attending university or lives in a different city and they experience a problem – be willing to listen to your children but encourage your child to seek resources available where they are situated as this will enhance their agency and resilience as an emerging adult. The aim is to be available for children when they need us, but also encourage and empower them to manage situations when possible. And, congratulate them for managing tricky situations without parents swooping in to sort the situation for them.
Dr Jada Jackson (2023), a licensed mental health counsellor in Dallas Texas, shares a helpful strategy as asking whether a loved one wants to be helped, heard, or hugged. This is a way of asking ‘How can I meet your needs?’. As parents, we often rush into problem-solving mode when our children share a problem they are experiencing. However, a study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (2018) found that giving advice can enhance the adviser’s “sense of power”. And, unsolicited feedback can add another layer of tension, Dr. Jackson said. Taking a pause and asking our children how we can best support them can be a helpful first step.
RELATIONAL CHALLENGES
I often hear parents of adult children express ‘they just don’t listen to me’ or other concerns about connecting with adult children.
Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein, psychologist and parenting coach, states the following reasons that negative attitudes and strained relations may exist between parents and adult children:
1. Unresolved emotional strain
2. Not acknowledging changes in roles and responsibilities of adult children can lead to strain as parents continue to feel the need to protect their adult children and have difficulty seeing them as self-sufficient. Some parents have difficulty relinquishing control over the lives of their adult children – after all, it was not so long ago we were on hand to attend to every scrape and bruise so it is very understandable that this is a tricky transition to navigate.
3. Expressing criticism and invalidation of adult children can create emotional strain and lead adult children to feel they are ‘never enough’ for their parents.
Dr Bernstein suggests that parents try to put themselves in their adult children’s shoes which will help attain an empathic position. He further suggests pointing out what adult children are managing well, rather than primarily focusing on what they are doing wrong or could be doing differently.
CLINICAL OBSERVATIONS
In recalling a recent conversation with a 20-year old who commented ‘can you believe so and so got married at age 22 – I just could not imagine…’, I was reminded of the outlook of many emerging adults. On the other hand, a parent recently said to me, ‘I was married with 2 children by age 29, I just don’t see my children following the same path.’ These varying perspectives highlight views of some parents and young people as they negotiate their family relational patterns during this time of transition.
I often hear from clients in their 20’s comments such as, ‘my parents do not understand me or my goals/life choices… they still want to control my life.’ Some parents are so concerned about the wellbeing of their adult children, which comes from a place of love and care, that sitting down and getting to know their children from a position of curiosity can get lost in the shuffle. Parents, the next time you start to TELL your emerging adult what to do or how to handle a situation, maybe consider asking a question, such as….
- Please tell me what it’s like for you to experience this stage of life as I realise it’s different to my experience when I was your age
- When you feel ready, I’d love to hear about how your life goals may be evolving
- What do you find most interesting or exciting about this stage and what feels worrying or unsettling?
Damour and Steinberg explain that children continue to need love and support even if the living situation has changed. However, the way the love and support is conveyed from parent to adult child may experience a bit of tweaking.
If you and your adult children require support as you navigate this transition in your relationship, feel free to get in touch.
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.
References:
Bernstein, J. (2023) ‘Three Reasons why adult children may treat their parents like dirt,’ Psychology Today, posted March 6, 2023.
Damour, L. (2023) ‘How Do I Parent a Young Adult, ’ episode 115 (18 April 2023) featuring Dr Laurence Steinberg author of ‘You and Your Adult Child: How To Grow Together in Challenging Times’.
Dunn, J. (2023) ‘When Someone you love is upset, ask this one question’ New York Times Well, 6th April 2023. (Accessed 7th April 2023). Available at: https://www.nytimes.com/2023/04/07/well/emotions-support-relationships.html?searchResultPosition=1
Gower, M. and Dowling, E. (2008) ‘Parenting Adult Children: invisible ties that bind.’ Journal of Family Therapy, Vol 30, Issue 4, 425-437. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6427.2008.00438.x
Kirby, J. and Hoang, N. (2018) ‘Parenting of Adult Children: A Neglected Area of Parenting Studies’ in (eds Sanders and Morawska) Handbook of Parenting and Child Development Across the Lifespan.
Palmer, G (2022) ‘Emotionally Focused Therapy with Adult Children’ [Powerpoint Presentation]
Steele E. and McKinney, C. (2020) ‘Relationships among emerging adult psychological problems, maltreatment, and parental psycopatholody: moderation by parent-child relationship quality,’ Family Process, Vol 59, Issue 1, 257-272. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12407