Understanding self-sabotage can be a powerful way to heal, grow and learn from our experiences. Here’s how you can take the first step.
We all have aspirations and dreams that we want to achieve, but there are times where we might unintentionally thwart our goals and get in our own way.
Also known as self-sabotage, it is broadly defined as the behaviours that undermine our personal goals and values. While self-sabotage can occur consciously or subconsciously, by learning to recognize the ways in which you are self-sabotaging in your current life, it can offer a different perspective into the obstacles that are preventing you from attaining your goals and provide solutions on how to move forward.
At the root of self-sabotage is when the desire to reduce threats exceeds our drive to reach goals; meaning to say that self-sabotage is simply a form of self-protection. For example, if you are afraid of failure or abandonment, it isn’t hard to see why you might set goals that are low to ensure success, or pursue conflict within existing relationships so that you won’t get hurt and remain in control.
While self-sabotage can stem from our earliest childhood experiences, such as having parents who were unresponsive, abusive or inconsistent in their parenting, trauma can also play a significant role.
It’s also why self-sabotage can be such a frustrating vicious cycle that often leaves us feeling stuck.
Self-sabotaging behaviours are also often a result of low self-esteem, and people with a negative self-perception are especially vulnerable to self-sabotaging. In a weird way, we sometimes behave in ways that confirm negative beliefs about ourselves.
While our brain is amazing in so many ways, it also loves the familiar. So, remember the next time you engage in self-sabotage, that your brain is simply trying to keep you safe.
Here are some signs that you might be self-sabotaging:
- Lacking the commitment to follow through on your goals;
- Holding unrealistic expectations on oneself and others;
- Avoiding people and situations that make you uncomfortable;
- Not communicating your needs to your loved ones;
- Staying within your comfort zone and resisting change;
- Approval-seeking behaviours;
- Experiencing imposter syndrome;
- Procrastination;
- Not engaging in self-care;
- Making unhealthy comparisons with peers;
- Engaging in risky behaviours such as excessive drinking or drug abuse, gambling, self-injury and overspending; or
- Showing suspicion, jealousy and lack of trust in relationships.
These are just some of the many ways in which we might self-sabotage; and the truth is, we all sabotage ourselves from time to time. But now that we can start to notice it, what can we actually do about it?
Here are some simple steps that you can start taking to overcome self-sabotage:
Identify your triggers for self-sabotage. One way to identify this is to notice in which areas of your life do you find yourself repeating certain scenarios or outcomes? To go a little deeper, you can even notice and track the emotions and thoughts surrounding the particular trigger – are you telling yourself something like: “I’m such a failure for not getting this right”? Some emotions that might arise are feelings of anxiety, anger and worthlessness.
Journal prompts: Ask yourself: what are you most fearful of? (Is it a lack of control? Fear of the unknown? Fear or failure? Fear of rejection? What are some goals that you’ve had for the longest time but have never accomplished?
Practice self-compassion. Can you notice that harsh inner critic that often comes out when you self-sabotage? Perhaps instead of saying “I will never be good enough”, try saying: “I am doing the best I can at this time”. Learning to become your biggest cheerleader instead of your biggest enemy is key to stopping the vicious cycle of self-sabotage. If you can, list down all your self-critical thoughts and practice replacing them with a positive affirmation.
Journal prompts: How can I start practicing self-compassion when I engage in self-sabotage?
Step out of your comfort zone. Try taking small steps and do something different to break the pattern of self-sabotage. What makes self-sabotage so tricky is that it attempts to solve a threat (alleviate anxiety due to fear of failure) but proves to be maladaptive in the long-run (not trying at all). In fact, self-sabotage can become a habit over time; and just like any habit, the best way to change them is to adopt new ones! Instead of doing what you usually do, or reacting the way you usually do in specific situations, what are some other, healthier ways of coping or responding?
In order to form any new habit or set of behaviours, you have to be able to tolerate emotional discomfort – because any form of change can be hard at the beginning (if you are finding it hard to cope, try speaking to a loved one or seek support from a therapist).
Journal prompts: What are some positive coping mechanisms I can incorporate into my life today instead of self-sabotaging?
Take an inventory of your values. Dig deep to clarify what you really want. When you clarify your values and aspirations – the things that truly matter most to you in life and who you want to become – and then connect your new, healthier behaviours to them, it’s far easier for you to get motivated and work towards them despite the obstacles.
Seek help from a therapist. Breaking patterns that can be so deep-rooted in your psyche and past experiences can be extremely challenging. It’s totally OK if you need additional support and guidance – know that you are not alone in this journey.
Remember:
You deserve love and kindness, just like everyone else.
Your feelings are valid and important.
You are capable and worthy of achieving your dreams.
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.
References:
1. How Self-Sabotage Holds You Back
2. What Is Self-Sabotage? How To Help Stop the Vicious Cycle