During Self-Esteem Month, we are often encouraged to reflect on confidence, self-worth, and learning to be kinder to ourselves. But self-esteem does not suddenly appear in adulthood. It begins forming much earlier, shaped by everyday experiences, relationships, and the messages we hear as we grow up.
Over time, these messages can influence how we see ourselves, how we respond to challenges, and what we believe we deserve.
Many of us carry these early messages with us long after childhood, sometimes without realising how deeply they may influence our choices, our relationships, and the way we treat ourselves.
Growing up in a Chinese household, there were certain phrases I heard so often that they echoed in my head even when no one was speaking:
“Everything I do is for your own good”
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“I sacrificed my whole life for you”
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“I scold you because I love you”
On the surface, these words sound caring, even meaningful. And often, they were said with good intentions. But to a child, they can feel heavy.
I remember standing in the living room after being scolded for bringing home a grade that was not “perfect”. I had scored 98 out of 100 for my maths paper, but the question I was asked was, “Where did the two marks go?”.
Moments like this can quietly influence how a child may begin to see themselves. Achievement becomes expected, mistakes feel uncomfortable, and praise can feel conditional.
As children, many of us are taught that filial piety is an important value. Respecting and obeying our parents can feel non-negotiable. When love is closely tied to sacrifice, and obedience is mistaken for care, it can sometimes leave little room for individuality or emotional expression. Children may begin to feel that their role is primarily to meet expectations, sometimes at the expense of exploring who they are.
For some people, there is a cost to growing up this way. It is not always loud or obvious, but it can sit quietly in the background. It may look like silencing your own desires before they fully form, questioning your needs before you express them, or feeling guilty for wanting something different. Of wanting something for yourself, and immediately questioning if it would disappoint someone else. It is feeling guilty for dreaming. Over time, this can shape self-esteem in subtle but lasting ways.
As a child, I used to think my feelings were wrong, perhaps too dramatic, too sensitive, or too selfish. After all, how could I feel restricted by people who fed me, clothed me, and worked tirelessly to provide a “better future”? I often questioned myself: How dare I feel this way when so much had been given to me?
There is a Chinese proverb that says, “愛之深，責之切” – the deeper the love, the stricter the criticism. For many families, this belief is deeply ingrained. While it often comes from care and concern, constant criticism can sometimes teach fear rather than confidence, and conditional approval rather than self-trust, even when it is intended as motivation or protection. Love that feels tied to performance can quietly become something we learn to feel we must earn.
In many Asian cultures, emotions are often expressed indirectly. Love may show up as a cut fruit placed on your desk instead of an apology, or a drive to school instead of a hug. We learn to interpret care through actions rather than words. Yet, some words are rarely spoken, like “I am proud of you” or “I am sorry”. Over time, their absence can influence how we value ourselves.
Improving self-esteem often begins with noticing these early patterns and gently questioning them. It means recognising that always saying “yes” to expectations, obligations, or unspoken rules, may have helped us cope or belong at one point, but may not always serve us later in life.
Before we learn to say “no”, some people live years, even decades, saying “yes” to everything. Yes to extra work, yes to responsibilities we did not choose, yes to suppressing our feelings to keep the peace. For some, “yes” can become a reflex, a shield to avoid conflict, disappointment, or even shame. Over time, “yes” can become a measure of worth, proof that some feel they are being responsible, dependable, or lovable.
For some, standing up does not always mean slamming doors or yelling back. Most of the time, it looks quieter, and can feel a lot scarier. It means making choices that feel true to who you are, even when they go against what is expected of you.
Building healthier self-esteem does not mean rejecting family or cultural values. It means allowing space for your own voice to exist alongside them. It means learning that your needs, feelings, and limits are valid too.
Supporting self-esteem can look like small, everyday choices:
- Making decisions that align with your values, even when they differ from expectations (I was expected to go into accounting or finance – the classic “safe” path in a Chinese household. But I did psychology instead!)
- Taking care of your mental health, whether through therapy, reflection, or learning to name emotions (It can feel weird, even wrong at first, maybe like you are exposing something that is supposed to stay hidden. But putting words to your pain is the first step to healing it!)
- Setting respectful boundaries around conversations or behaviours that consistently lead to guilt or shame (That might mean saying, “I am not okay with how you speak to me” or choosing to step away from conversations that always end in guilt or shame!)
- Challenging internalised beliefs such as “I must earn love” or “I am only valuable if I succeed” (You know these are not truths!)
- Practising honest communication, rather than saying what feels safest (Not shrinking yourself to avoid conflict or keep the peace. Real honesty starts with being honest with yourself!)
- Building a support system of people who listen, validate, and understand.
Redefining self-esteem also invites us to reflect on how love is communicated across generations. This reflection is not about assigning fault, but about understanding impact. Many parents did the best they could with the tools and understanding they had. Acknowledging the effect of certain messages does not erase their effort or sacrifice, it simply opens space for growth and change.
Shifting the dialogue can begin with affirmations that support a child’s sense of self:
- “You don’t have to be perfect for me to be proud of you”
- “I trust you to learn from your experiences”
- “You are allowed to make mistakes”
- “I care about who you are, not just what you achieve”
Self-esteem grows when love feels safe, consistent, and unconditional. When children are allowed to fail, explore, and grow without fear of losing approval, they can learn that their worth is not something to be earned, it already exists.
By reflecting on the messages we pass down, we create the possibility of homes where confidence is nurtured gently, individuality is respected, and love is not measured solely by sacrifice or success. In doing so, we not only support ourselves, but also help shape a future where the next generation grows up feeling supported, valued, and enough.
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.
Sources:
- Absolute Obedience to My Asian Parents Affected My Mental Health
- ‘My strict Asian parents made me awkward and lonely’
- Commentary: A stranger told me she never takes parenting advice from an Asian. Here’s why negative stereotypes persist
- Gentle Parenting vs. Tough Love—Which One Actually Works?
- The Real Problem With “Tough Love”
- Family obligation in Chinese adolescents: Consequences and parental antecedents
- Young adults who severed ties with their parents say filial piety should go ‘both ways’
- How to Stand Up to Your Overbearing Parents