Just as children need to hear enough words and phrases to be able to start speaking, children need to experience various ways of love to be able to love others. According to Bowlby’s attachment theory, love is first experienced through the bond between a child and their primary caregiver. When parents are responsive, consistent, and emotionally available, children develop a secure attachment, a psychological foundation that fosters trust in others, confidence in oneself, and openness in relationships. Conversely, inconsistent or neglectful caregiving can lead to insecure attachment, affecting a child’s ability to form healthy, loving relationships later in life.
So what are practical ways of loving our children to let them know how to love others?
Like anything else, children learn love primarily through modelling as children internalise behaviours they observe in parents and people around them. Love can be expressed in various ways including verbal affirmations, physical affection, quality time, and acts of kindness.
Verbal affirmations are not only about saying “I love you” but also about validating children’s emotions which is a key component of teaching emotional literacy. When we validate children’s emotions and teach vocabulary for feelings, we open the world of communicating and expressing love verbally to children. Children who have emotional literacy will not only be able to recognise and name other people’s emotions better but also express their own emotions of love to others. In addition, emotional literacy is needed to cultivate empathy in children. Empathy is the ability to understand and share feelings of others. Empathy allows children to respond to others with compassion, patience and kindness. We model empathy by asking questions about how they felt when something happened and taking their perspective by confirming their emotions.
Physical affections such as touch and eye contact are also important ways of showing love. The reason why this is important is because humans use physical touch and eye contact to communicate non-verbally. According to research babies even as early as 6-8 weeks of age wander their eyes, moving and searching for something. The constantly moving eyes stop when they find another set of eyes. Yes, when they finally find either the parent’s or the caregiver’s eyes, they lock their eyes to the other person and communicate emotionally. It’s our nature to communicate with our eyes and physical touch so by modelling eye contact and physical touch children can learn non-verbal expressions of love towards others.
Quality time is probably one most crucial way parents can show their love to children. Why is this so important? This is important because every child needs to feel that they are special, that they are worth other people’s time. So how do we make them feel this way? Of all the resources in the world, no one can deny time is the most important resource everyone has. When parents spare their time in their busy life to focus fully on their children, children feel valued. By spending uninterrupted time and undivided attention to children, by prioritising time with children, children feel that they are important beings, valuable enough to warrant their parents’ time. Whether it be one hour a week or one hour a day, at least for that moment, they feel they are the most important thing to their parents, and this impacts their self esteem. Does this mean parents need to give up everything and spend 24/7 on their children? No, on the contrary by setting out a time apart from their busy lives, parents are modelling boundaries in love. Children learn that love does not mean sacrificing one’s well-being all the time or always putting someone else’s needs before themselves. Children learn that loving others involves healthy boundaries which includes respect and autonomy.
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.
References
Bowlby, J. (1979). The bowlby-ainsworth attachment theory. Behavioral and brain sciences, 2(4), 637-638.
Chapman, G., & Campbell, R. (2008). The five love languages of children. Moody Publishers.
Campbell, R. (2015). How to really love your child. David C Cook.