If you’ve been in London recently, you will have noticed the large ad campaign by Amicable, a legal service that supports divorcing and separating couples to go their own way well, amicably. The idea is instead of each partner ‘lawyering up’, they work with the couple to calmly figure out the hot topics of finances and co-parenting with empathy and respect – avoiding the costly pitfalls of a drawn-out battle in the courts.
Here in Singapore, the Government is supporting separating couples via a new app – CPSG – to help parents avoid conflict and miscommunication after a huge increase in people seeking co-parenting support from social services agencies.
Children thrive when parents co-operate and are actively involved in their lives. Each parent may have different roles, but they have a joint responsibility in guiding and nurturing their children. A 2020 study by MSF found that a ‘co-operative co-parenting style’ where parents collaborate, plan and make decisions about their children together has more favourable outcomes and is associated with fewer child behavioural and emotional problems. A 2024 study from the University of Buffalo, New York, found that co-parenting has a significant impact on parental well-being and child development:
• Stress is significantly reduced for both parents when fathers are directly involved in co-parenting their children
• Mutual support and engagement are a vital dynamic in co-parenting
• Parents who put their children’s needs first and co-parent positively provide a safe environment for their children’s psychological safety and growth in the short and long term.
Sharing the duties of raising your children with your ex can be a challenge in the best of circumstances – not so easy when people are feeling hurt, angry, and uncertain of their futures. Seeking help from a professional counsellor or mediator to work through conflicts can be hugely beneficial.
Good co-parenting is about teamwork – here are some dos and don’ts to keep in mind.
1. Focus on the children’s needs
Put the children’s physical needs and emotional well-being front and centre and keep to their routines. Use consistent rules in both households for example, rules on mealtimes, bedtimes, curfews homework, off-limit activities to reduce confusion for your children.
2. Agree on a plan
Create a detailed plan that includes the custody arrangements, schooling, transport, CCAs, holidays and health matters such as doctors’ visits. Share parenting responsibilities equally so that neither party feels overburdened. Equal involvement reduces stress and can prevent resentment creeping in – all of which has a positive knock-on effect for the children.
3. Practice open communication
Use respectful and clear communication when raising issues. Aim to be accessible and responsive when dealing with scheduling and other matters and keep each other informed about the children. Figure out which mode of communication works best for you and your ex: in person, text messages, emails and do not pass messages to your ex through your children. Use co-parenting apps that can help such as CPSG when direct communication is problematic.
4. Nurture a positive, supportive environment
Don’t speak negatively about the other parent to your children and avoid dragging them into a fight with your ex. It is harmful to their psychological well-being to be in the middle of warring parents. Instead, actively encourage your children’s relationship with their other parent. Think of your relationship as co-parents, rather than ex-spouses.
5. Be Flexible
Things happen: people fall sick and plans change at a moment’s notice. Be respectful by sticking to agreed schedules but be prepared to be flexible when it’s needed too. This will and allow things to run smoothly with fewer arguments.
6. Lead by example
Be aware that you are your children’s role model, and they are watching and noticing how you behave. Interacting with their other parent respectfully and maturely sets a positive example.
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.
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