Can using inappropriate selection of words lead to child shaming? The answer is yes.
“Don’t worry, it’s okay. But you can do it better next time.” Does it sound like it’s a good selection of words to use when your child is facing a challenge? Unfortunately, not really.
A 9-year-old child falls short of the expectations set by adults, who often express their disappointment by comparing the child. They may say things like, “Your sister was not like that!”, “Your classmates are much more well-behaved than you!”, “Why can’t you be more like them” etc.
A 10 year old child cries or throws tantrums when he/she does not get the things they like or wanted. Adults may say things like, “Why are you acting like that?”, “Other kids don’t behave this way!”, “Don’t behave like a baby!”, “No one will love you if you continue to act like that!” etc.
Do these situations sound familiar to you, but you can’t quite place where you’ve heard them before? That’s child shaming that is still happening around us.
Today on Silence the Shame Day, this campaign encourages open conversations about mental health challenges and it is equally essential to have open discussions about the harmful consequences of child shaming and the importance of positive and supportive parenting practices. Just as adults should be able to discuss their mental health challenges openly, children should feel safe expressing their emotions and experiences without fear of shame. What do we know about child shaming?
Shaming is very common in children. It is still a ‘strategy’ to be used and widely accepted when adults try to discipline children. Shame is a feeling of embarrassment that comes with nonverbal body responses which may involve feeling sick, uncertain, sweaty, blush or feeling frozen.
Shame can also be triggered by:
- When they need assistance but struggle to express their need for help
- When they are told to work harder at a task even though they have already did
- When they are made to feel excluded
- When they experience teasing or are subjected to name-calling
- When they have no companions to play and interact with
- When they are burdened with the responsibility of keeping a troubling secret
Or other similar experiences.
The concept of ‘shame’ may be unfamiliar to children, as they might not fully comprehend its meaning. However, children do experience shame in the form of intense embarrassment, evident through nonverbal cues or a strong reaction to hide or escape. When a child who feels shame is not recognised or comforted, it can lead to feelings of disconnection, stress, fear, anxiety about their self-worth, and doubts about their sense of belonging.
Children absorb and believe the messages they hear from adults, including hurtful statements like, “You are a troublemaker!”, “You are always causing problems!” or “You are the worst!” etc. These harsh words inflict deep feelings of shame, low self-esteem, and create a negative self-image, causing significant damage to a child’s sense of self-worth. Consequently, the child may begin to believe they are incapable of doing anything right, leading to a gradual undermining of their confidence and fostering pervasive feelings of worthlessness.
“Other kids don’t behave like that. They are much better behaved than you”.
The experience of shame and the pressure or the idea of not being good enough or not meeting adult expectations can also have a negative impact on children’s well-being, creativity, and confidence. When children are consistently exposed to negative comments about themselves, comparing them to their friends or others they know, it can instil a fear of making mistakes or taking risks. This fear arises from the anticipation of disapproval or rejection from the adults. Children may become excessively cautious or completely avoid certain activities, as they fear not meeting expectations or facing criticism from the adults. These fears can affect their willingness to be vulnerable, causing them to feel insecure about expressing their true selves and their feelings or emotions to others.
Shaming is used as a parenting tool.
Using shaming as a disciplinary approach is often seen as a quick solution when it comes to children. It is unfortunately common for families to resort to constant comparisons with other children as a means to motivate their own child to improve. This form of comparison may be deemed acceptable, as it is believed that by highlighting other children who are more successful or meet the parents’ expectations, the child will be motivated to work harder. However, this practice can have significant negative impacts on the child’s emotions, learning abilities and social interactions.
Shame makes children want to hide themselves.
Consistently subjecting children to shame only serves to discourage them and create a sense of disconnection from others. It leads them to hide away, avoiding situations that may bring about further shame or interactions with others. Some children may develop a lack of confidence, becoming fearful of sharing their opinions or being in the spotlight. Sadly, they may resort to becoming people-pleasers in order to avoid themselves from being rejected in social settings.
Shame makes children start blaming.
Children may unconsciously adopt a habit of criticising others as a way to manage the overwhelming emotions tied to shame. By directing their critical focus outward, they seek to lessen the pain of self-hatred and an overwhelming sense of being worthless and unlovable. Through the utilisation of the defence mechanism known as “projection,” children discover a temporary escape from their own shame by deflecting their negative emotions onto others. Over time, if the child finds a temporary sense of relief or escape from their shame by being critical of others, this pattern of behaviour can become deeply ingrained.
Shame makes children hate themselves.
When children are consistently subjected to shaming by their parents, it can deeply affect their self-perception, fostering feelings of self-hatred. The negative self-talk and self-criticism can become ingrained, influencing their thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. While adults often instruct children to suppress their anger, this suppression can leave the child feeling trapped and seems to dislike those around them.
What can be taken to safeguard children from experiencing shame?
As adults, we need to be mindful of the language we use when communicating with children.
Being mindful of our words and actions involves being aware of how your language and behaviours can impact children. Use positive and encouraging language that uplifts and empowers them rather than tearing them down, diminishes or discourages them. Being mindful goes beyond just the words we speak.
Remember that children observe not only the words we say but also our non-verbal cues. Pay close attention to our body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice too. Maintaining open and approachable body posture, offering warm and genuine smiles, and using a supportive and gentle tone can significantly impact how children interpret our intentions. Being mindful of our actions is equally important. We must strive to model kindness, empathy, and respect in our interactions with others, demonstrating to children how to treat others with dignity and compassion.
As adults, we need to bear a significant responsibility to be positive role models for children, thereby safeguarding them from experiencing shame.
Imperfections are not something to be ashamed of, but rather a natural part of being human. It is important for us to demonstrate to children that making mistakes is a natural part of life and that their self-worth is not dependent on attaining perfection. By embracing our own imperfections, we teach valuable lessons that encourage children to be kind to themselves and develop a healthy perspective on their own flaws and setbacks. Our actions and behaviours carry powerful influence, shaping their understanding of themselves and the world around them. When we openly acknowledge and learn from our own mistakes, we teach children the importance of resilience, growth, and self-compassion.
As adults, we need to actively respond to instances of shaming and effectively communicate to children that such behaviour is not okay.
When adults react to incidents of shaming, they are setting a clear boundary that such behaviour is unacceptable. Our reaction to these incidents plays an important role that encourages open communication between adults and children. When we promptly address instances of shaming, we demonstrate to children that their well-being and emotional safety are a top priority. This open communication helps to build trust between adults and children, allowing them to feel comfortable sharing their experiences and seeking support when faced with shaming incidents.
By setting clear expectations and boundaries, we provide children with a foundation to develop healthy relationships and navigate social interactions with empathy and respect. Our reactions convey the message that shaming others is not only inappropriate but also unkind. Children learn that they have the right to be treated with dignity and that engaging in shaming behaviour goes against the principles of kindness and compassion.
When they witness adults standing up against shaming, they internalise the understanding that their worth is not defined by others’ negative opinions or hurtful comments. This empowers them to cultivate a positive self-image and to reject any attempts to undermine their confidence.
As adults, we should encourage children to raise their concerns with a trusted person and help them understand any shame imposed upon them by adults.
When children express concerns about shame, listen attentively and acknowledge their feelings without judgement is essential. We need to explain to them that shame is a negative emotion that can be imposed upon someone by others, but it does not define their inherent worth or value as a person. Helping them understand that shame is a reflection of the actions or judgments of others, rather than a reflection of their own character, can be empowering. To encourage empathy, we can engage them in a conversation by asking questions like, “How do you think the other person might be feeling?” and discussing how to respond with kindness and understanding.
As adults, we have the responsibility to serve as role models, normalising deep fears as natural aspects of the human experience.
When we openly discuss our vulnerabilities, insecurities, and fears, we help to break the stigma around these emotions. By sharing our own experiences, we effectively communicate that it is both normal and acceptable to have such feelings. It provides reassurance to children that they are not alone in their struggles and that others can relate to their experiences. Children can be encouraged to view their own fears and vulnerabilities as part of being human, reducing the sense of shame or isolation that may accompany these emotions.
Imagine a world where superheroes unite to banish the villainous act of child shaming! Imagine a world where every child feels safe to be their authentic selves, free from the weight of shame. Through our collective efforts, we have the ability to create that world, empowering children to navigate life’s challenges with resilience and self-assurance. We become the real-life superheroes who champion their well-being and champion a future where kindness prevails.
We have the power to protect children from the harmful effects of shaming by teaching them the value of empathy, understanding, and acceptance. We can create a shield of protection around every child. Through our efforts, we create a world where every child can be protected, every child can thrive and fulfil their extraordinary potential.
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.
Other sources:
- Child Shaming: How We’re Ruining Our Own Children’s Future
- Why Should Parents Stop Comparing Their Child to Others
- “Good” Children – at What Price?
- Where is Shame Held in the Body?
- Why Shaming Your Kids Isn’t Effective Discipline
- Thierry, B. d. (2019). The Simple Guide to Understanding Shame in Children. : Jessica Kingsley Publishers.