Few things can be as scary and disconcerting for a parent as finding out that your beloved child is deliberately self-harming. And yet, self-harm is a common experience for adolescents around the world and many parents find themselves grappling with it. As a parent of a teenager, I often find myself worrying about self-harm – especially because as a counsellor, I get to see just how common it is. Thankfully, there are effective treatments available, and various steps that parents can take to help. 

Deliberate self-harm (such as scratching or cutting of arms and legs) is a growing problem among adolescents and has become a major public health concern around the world (Hawton, Saunders, & O’Connor, 2012). Some studies have found incidence rates to be as high as 24% in adolescent populations (Monto, McRee, & Deryck, 2018). Singapore’s Children’s Society and Samaritans of Singapore reported a ‘spike’ in deliberate self-harm (Teng ,2015) and Singapore’s YouGov found in 2019 that 36% of young Singaporeans aged 18 to 24 had engaged in deliberate self-harm while 1 in 10 youths did so frequently (Ho, 2019).

If you find out that your teenage child is deliberately self-harming, you may benefit from knowing that:

• Deliberate self-harm is often used by individuals to cope with emotional distress.

• Self-harmful behaviours can become addictive because of their emotion-regulating and tension-releasing functions.

• There are evidence-based, effective clinical treatments available. The current ‘gold-standard’ intervention for deliberate self-harm is Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), which is a type of talking therapy used to help people understand and deal with difficult, overwhelming feelings. In my experience, the focus that DBT places on self-acceptance, building distress tolerance skills and forming social connections is particularly useful clinically.

• Other therapeutic interventions such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can also be effective. CBT focuses on helping people notice the impact that their thoughts and behaviours can have on how they feel and helping them change unhelpful ways of thinking and behaving.

• These clinical treatments are not always implemented, or there can be delays in doing so, because teenagers often feel great shame and try to hide their self-harming behaviours from their loved ones. 

How parents can help:

1. This is possibly the hardest thing to do but if you find out that your child is self-harming, try to remain calm and listen to them. Let the teenager explain what self-harm is about and what it does for them. Avoid judging, punishing, telling off, or responding angrily. Your child is in pain, and they probably feel awful about what they are doing and for putting you through this.

2. Be patient: Allow them to open up slowly. Let them know that you are there for them and that they can talk to you whenever they are ready to do so. 

3. In the meantime, ask them what they may need to stay safe. Help them keep any cuts or injuries clean and disinfected. If you are worried about a particular injury, visit a doctor. 

4. Keep an eye on them without making them feel like you are policing them. Hard as it is, try not to ‘spy’ on them. Looking through their possessions, standing outside the bathroom door, confiscating blades by force, etc, may leave them feeling unsafe and struggling to trust you. Instead, ask them what may help. The appropriate approach here may vary from person to person.

5. It is easy to become consumed by the thought of your child self-harming and make that your sole focus of attention. However, it is important that you are still talking to your child about things other than the self-harm itself. Try to make time for family activities, spend quality time together and refrain from talking about ‘it’ all the time.

6. Ideally, your child will accept the professional help they need but, even if they are not ready, it may help you to talk to a professional who can guide you through what can be a lengthy recovery process. A professional may be able to help you explore the possible triggers for the self-harm, its function, and suggest alternative coping strategies that you may be able to introduce slowly.

7. Look after your own mental and physical health by engaging in healthy eating and drinking, and getting regular exercise and rest. This is your opportunity to show your teenager how to get through a stressful period safely.

8. Do not ignore the self-harm and do not join your teenager in being secretive about it. This might add to the stigma of seeking the help they need.

If you suspect or have found out that your child is self-harming or looking to meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.

• Written by Sheyla Hardy

References

Hawton, K., Saunders, K., & O’Connor, R. C. (2012). Self-harm and suicide in adolescents. The Lancet (British Edition), 379(9834), 2373-2382. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0140673612603225

Ho, K. (2019, June 25). YouGov https://sg.yougov.com/en-sg/news/2019/06/25/sg-mentalhealth-selfharm/

Monto, M. A., McRee, N., & Deryck, F. S. (2018). Nonsuicidal self-injury among a representative sample of US adolescents, 2015. American Journal of Public Health (1971), 108(8), 1042-1048. https://www.proquest.com/docview/2086659785?accountid=12528&pq-origsite=primo

Teng A. (2015, December 28). Rising trend of self-harm among the young. The Straits Times. Asia One. https://www.asiaone.com/singapore/rising-trend-self-harm-among-young?amp