What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is our assessment of our self-worth and value; basically, what we think about ourselves. Our self-esteem lies along a continuum, ranging from low to high, and is based on beliefs that we develop about ourselves, usually from our early life experiences.
Why is it important?
Self-esteem is crucial to children’s well-being. Those with high self-esteem tend to be more confident, resilient and comfortable with who they are and therefore more enthusiastic and positive about engaging and participating in activities and taking on challenges, which is likely to impact on their life achievements. Children with low self-esteem can be shy and more introverted, with a fixed mindset, negative outlook and self-imposed limitations.
Low self-esteem can be a risk factor for various internalising (emotional) and externalising (behavioural) problems – for example, analysis shows that low self-esteem can predict subsequent depression; withdrawal from activities and peers can lead to feelings of hopelessness, loneliness and sadness, resulting in a downward spiral towards depression. Low self-esteem is a distinct issue, which is not transitory, but it is treatable. It can also be part of a primary disorder, in which case it will be treated with this disorder.
Where do feelings of low self-worth come from?
Low self-esteem can be caused by a succession of perceived failures (for which the child blames themselves) or by constantly being told that they are not good enough/doing well enough (with the child perceiving these comments as critical, even if that is not the case). Over time these perceptions can be seen not as possibilities, but as certainties and low self-esteem becomes generalised. For example, if a child starts to believe remarks that they are “useless” at sport, over time these negative thoughts can cause them to believe they are incompetent in all aspects of life.
Alternatively, low self-esteem could come from a particular event or time in a child’s life that they found traumatic, causing them to lose their natural self-confidence.
Where is the evidence?
An evidenced-based approach to understanding self-esteem is cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). Melanie Fennell adapted Aaron Beck’s CBT model to produce a CBT model of low self-esteem in 1997.
CBT is focused on understanding the connections between thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Negative thoughts about situations can be indicative of negative beliefs that have been developed about ourselves, others and the world as a result of early life experiences. These negative beliefs can be expressed as fundamental global self-judgements about our value as a person, e.g., “I’m not good enough”.
These beliefs can be triggered in situations where personal standards are not or may not be met, leading to negative thoughts. These thoughts lead to feelings of anxiety which can generate more negative thoughts. Behaviours aimed at reducing anxiety follow, such as avoidance; however, these prevent disconfirmation of the anxious thoughts and fuel the vicious cycle, thus maintaining low self-esteem. Often, however, the negative thoughts that are causing this cycle can be untrue and a result of maladaptive beliefs.
How do we know if children have low self-esteem?
Some things to look out for include:
• Criticism
Some children may engage in self-criticism by expressing things that they don’t like about themselves. Others may insult themselves by giving themselves a label, “I’m a loser” or by over-generalising, i.e., seeing a pattern based on a single event, “everything always goes wrong for me”. They may also appear sensitive to criticism by others, no matter how slight.
• Praise
Some may find it difficult to see the positives and to accept praise or compliments, becoming uncomfortable when praised for their efforts or positive qualities.
• Comparisons
Some may constantly compare themselves negatively to others.
• Avoidance
Avoiding or giving up on tasks could indicate lack of personal belief in their capability or fear of failure, both of which are signs of low self-esteem. Unfortunately, whilst avoiding challenging and difficult situations might make children feel safe in the short term, it reinforces their underlying beliefs and doubts and teaches them that avoidance is the only coping mechanism.
• Blame
Blaming external factors, e.g., teachers or parents, when things do wrong – or minimising the importance to them of things that have gone wrong.
Are neurodiverse children more likely to have low self-esteem?
All children evaluate themselves by comparing themselves to others and by feedback they receive. Neurodiverse children tend to develop social, cognitive and functional skills at different rates to neurotypical children. As a result, they can experience issues in social situations, including school, family and peer groups, which can lead to a lower perception of their competency and ability, as compared to neurotypical children. In addition, neurodiverse children can sometimes be criticised for issues that are outside their control. These factors can affect their self-confidence and self-esteem.
Studies investigating the link between self-esteem and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) have produced controversial results, but all studies agreed that positive self-esteem may assist children with ADHD to cope with failures and challenges in their lives.
For some children, receiving a diagnosis can be a relief as they can attribute some things that they find difficult to their neurodiversity rather than to poor character or personal failure – for which they are more likely to blame themselves, thus lowering their self-esteem.
How can therapy develop positive self-esteem in children?
Treatment will depend on whether low self-esteem is being treated as a distinct issue or as part of a primary disorder, but strategies will include:
• Strengths
A strengths-focused approach helps children to train their brains to build skills to become more confident. Identifying what is working, what they like doing and are good at can change their focus from a bias towards negativity. When children play to their strengths, they perform at their best and feel more energised and engaged, which builds self-confidence in their abilities.
The Social Thinking curriculum by Michelle Garcia Winner, uses the word “smarts” to refer to our strengths, being those things we are good at or passionate about. We can have different types of smarts in many different areas, such as school smarts, social smarts, sports smarts, hobbies smarts etc. Exploring and understanding their smarts helps children to build self-awareness and correct perceptual bias.
• Growth mindset
A growth mindset means that children understand that their skills and abilities can improve over time. The term was coined by Dr. Carol Dweck after studying students’ attitudes towards failure. In an interview in 2012, she defined a growth mindset as “students understand that their talents and abilities can be developed through effort, good teaching and persistence. They don’t necessarily think everyone’s the same or anyone can be Einstein, but they believe everyone can get smarter if they work at it.” On the other hand, a fixed mindset is a belief that abilities and intelligence are fixed traits.
Studies revealed that the students who believed they could get smarter were motivated to put in extra time and effort when faced with setbacks, which made them stronger and led to higher achievement. The way the students viewed their own abilities and approached challenges was the primary predictor of success.
This is supported by research into brain plasticity. The brain gets stronger the more we use it because connectivity between neurons can change with experience and practice; existing neural networks are strengthened, new neural connections are created and transition of impulses speeds up. Therefore, continual challenges and repeated practice can build pathways that make our brains stronger and smarter.
To help children understand this concept, their smarts can be represented as brain wires. Everyone’s brain is wired differently because we all have different strengths, challenges, likes and dislikes. When we imagine our smarts as brain wires, the long wires can represent things our brain makes it easy for us to do, i.e., things we’ve acquired knowledge about over a long time or things that we’ve practised. On the other hand, the short wires can be things that are not so easy for us to do, i.e., things of which we need to gain more knowledge or experience in order to grow our brain wires.
Understanding that we can all grow our smarts, and that we all have different smarts that we are trying to grow, helps children feel more comfortable when talking about the smarts that they would like to develop. Believing we can grow our brains is the first stage towards developing a growth mindset.
A growth mindset can help children reframe their approach to challenges so they can motivate themselves to learn from their setbacks and mistakes and improve their skills. Children can be taught to think, “I can’t do this yet,” rather than, “I can’t do this at all” and to work out strategies to find a way forward.
• Cognitive restructuring
Using CBT, a therapist will work with the child to understand and adjust the negative thinking patterns that maintain their low self-esteem. In order to feel differently about themselves and to behave differently, children need to move away from their negative beliefs and thoughts. This can involve helping children to shift from rigid thinking patterns to flexible thinking so they can evaluate and challenge negative thoughts and find alternative responses.
Younger children do not themselves need to understand the link between their thoughts, feelings and behaviour; a therapist can work with young children on strategies to develop flexible thinking, more positive self-worth and a growth mindset.
• Behaviour
Therapists can also work with children to change their behavioural patterns, for example, helping them to overcome avoidance with graded exposure tasks. This gives children the opportunity to challenge their fears and develop a more realistic appraisal of the situation and their abilities. Changing behavioural patterns rewires the brain by creating new connections and repeating these actions reinforces these connections, making it easier next time.
How can parents boost their children’s self-esteem?
• Recognising effort
Praising effort rather than achievement and being specific about the positive qualities that are being recognised and praised. For example, “Your English homework was difficult today, but you worked hard on it for 20 minutes which shows determination and focus,” or, “You showed resilience in your football match today by not giving up after the other team scored a goal.” By doing this, children will develop intrinsic self-esteem, meaning that they value themselves for who they are, not what they have or what they do; their self-esteem is based on an inner sense of competence and value rather than being contingent on results or others’ opinions.
• Success and positive reinforcement
Create opportunities for success by careful selection of activities that play to the child’s strengths and use positive reinforcement when things go well, for example, when behavioural goals are met. This will help children appreciate how good it feels to overcome their struggles and achieve their goals.
• Unconditional love
Reassuring children that they have our unconditional love and support can help them to cope with failure and to build resilience. Feelings of love also cause the brain to release dopamine which gives us a “feel good” factor.
• Social skills
Some children, in particular those with a neurodiversity, can have difficulties with friendships and rejection by peers can lower their self-esteem. Developing social skills can be particularly helpful for these children to enable them to feel more comfortable in social situations. One way to do this is by taking part in an individual or group social thinking course.
• Problem-solving
Help your child to develop their problem-solving skills so that they can work out solutions to challenges in their lives. These skills can be taught as part of a social thinking course.
• Validate feelings
We all feel nervous or scared at times – this is our body’s natural reaction to situations that we find challenging (the “fight, flight, freeze” reaction). Help your child to understand these natural feelings and that these feelings don’t have to stop them trying new things or achieving their goals. Problem-solve (see above) ways to help them to work towards their goals by taking things step by step, rather than avoiding activities.
Conclusion
Self-esteem plays a crucial role in children’s sense of worth and overall development. Using strategies to develop higher self-esteem in children will make them feel more confident and capable and proud of who they are. It will also promote resilience and problem-solving skills.
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.
References
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Mazzone, L., Postorino, V., Reale, L., Guarnera, M., Mannino, V., Armando, M., Fatta, L., De Peppo, L., & Vicari, S. (2013). Self-esteem evaluation in children and adolescents suffering from ADHD. Clinical practice and epidemiology in mental health: CP & EMH, 9, 96–102. https://doi.org/10.2174/1745017901309010096
Morehead, James & Dweck, Carol (June 19, 2012). “Stanford University’s Carol Dweck on the Growth Mindset and Education”. OneDublin.org. Retrieved June 21, 2023.
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Wilding, C. (2017). Low self-esteem. In C. Feltham, T. Hanley, & L. A. Winter (Eds), The SAGE Handbook of Counselling and Psychotherapy (4th edition), Chapter 6.10, pp.433 – 439. SAGE.
Winner, M. G., & Crooke, P. (2020). You Are a Social Detective! Explaining Social Thinking to Kids, 2nd Edition. Think Social Publishing, Inc.