I spent my first Valentine’s day with my then boyfriend, now husband, thousands of miles apart from him. He held up a sunflower to the screen on our long distant date via Skype (Yes, this was back on the day…). Long distance is not for the faint of heart. More than once I stood in the airport crying after another difficult goodbye.
However, as I dove into the research to explore this topic from more than a personal perspective, it made a lot of sense to me that what I found showed that long distance relationships don’t automatically spell out doom and gloom to the individuals in it or the couple as whole. Some research even points to the possibility of those in LDRs having just as much, if not more, satisfaction in the relationship than couples who are geographically close (Jiang and Hancock, 2013).
Of course, those in long distance relationships (LDRs) face unique challenges that those in geographically close relationships (GCRs) don’t, it doesn’t mean that the former is categorically better than the other. In fact, those exact challenges could benefit the relationship if approached with openness, love, and care. Du Bois, et al (2016) even found that those in LDRs didn’t necessarily have lower health and well-being scores than their counterparts in GCRs. The results were mixed showing no clear benefit of one or the other.
Being in a successful, mutually satisfying, long distance relationship requires a lot of the same foundational elements that those in a geographically close relationship need. Of course, how those elements are enacted are going to look differently. Let’s break down one key element and how it might need to be adjusted to work for a LDR.
Communication: You knew it was coming and you were right. Good communication is key in any relationship and thanks to modern technology, those in long distance relationships can utilize a host of tools to stay in touch. Obviously, the key word in that sentence is good – loads of couples communicate, but it takes intentionality and practice to communicate in helpful ways.
- 1. Communicate about your communication. Talk about if your current communication patterns, tools, and topics are working for you as individuals and as a couple. Talk about expectations. How quickly is it reasonable for one or the other to respond to a message? What expectations are there for how often you have video calls? Talking about expectations is a great start to communicating about your communication.
- 2. Be intentional. Set time aside for distraction free communication. When utilizing technology, this likely means closing out all other browsers, silencing other notifications and turning on video when possible. It can also mean being in a quiet space free of environmental distractions. Lapierre and Custer (2021) found that using smart phones responsibly can increase relationship satisfaction due to the ability to communicate more conveniently.
- 3. Build love maps. A love map is a concept out of the renowned Gottman Institute. A forefront institute in researching all things relational, a love map is essentially growing and deepening one’s knowledge about their partner. Those in LDRs might actually have an advantage in doing this because they are not navigating daily life with each other and they can be more intentional about asking each other questions (Gottman Institute, 2024).
So on this Valentine’s Day I hope that you are able to find some time to connect and communicate with your significant other, whether they are on the other side of the street or the other side of the world. And know that if you are in a long distance relationship, the research doesn’t count you out; in fact, it shows that there could be multiple benefits and unique challenges that can strengthen the relationship.
To meet with a professional psychologist or counsellor, call The Other Clinic at 8809 0659 or email us hello@theotherclinic.sg.
References:
Du Bois, S. N., Sher, T. G., Grotkowski, K., Aizenman, T., Slesinger, N., & Cohen, M. (2016). Going the Distance: Health in Long-Distance Versus Proximal Relationships. The Family Journal, 24(1), 5-14. https://doi.org/10.1177/1066480715616580
Gottman Institute. (2024). Building Love Maps. https://www.gottman.com/blog/build-love-maps/
Jiang, L. C., & Hancock, J. T. (2013). Absence makes the communication grow fonder: Geographic separation, interpersonal media, and intimacy in dating relationships. Journal of Communication, 63(3), 556–577. https://doi.org/10.1111/jcom.12029
Lapierre, M. A., & Custer, B. E. (2021). Testing relationships between smartphone engagement, romantic partner communication, and relationship satisfaction. Mobile Media & Communication, 9(2), 155-176. https://doi-org.remotexs.ntu.edu.sg/10.1177/2050157920935163